P4P: Persona 4 Parody
by defenderofbunnies
Summary: With the recent release of Persona 4: Golden, some people still want a story with a female protagonist. Here it is in parody form, starring the charming Soujiko Seta as the dashing heroine and featuring a few new Social Links and different outcomes to certain events. SPOILERS!
1. Not Everyone is Right Handed

This is a non-serious piece of fan fiction that intends to exaggerate certain plot points, characters and dialogues for parodical purposes. I do not own any of the characters belonging to the Shin Megami Tensei: Persona franchise, I merely concoct stories about them. Also, **there are spoilers galore throughout this and all succeeding chapters! **You have been warned.

As mentioned in the story description there will be one or two slight adjustments with the Social Links, but all Social Link characters will be from the P4 universe. Please feel free to suggest ideas/ constructive criticism for this parody, and to leave me messages saying how unfunny I am. :3 Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this fic. ^_^ (And yes, I'm still working on the Shinjiro fic, this is merely a side project. XD)

Enjoy!

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**Chapter 1: Not Everyone is Right-Handed**

It isn't every day that you awake from a perfectly pleasant slumber to find yourself seated in the back of a limousine in the company of a stoic blonde and a man whose nose rivals that of Pinocchio. Therefore, it was understandable that I was a little disorientated by my entire surroundings as I sat there upon the opulent velvet seat, including the psychedelic panorama swirling about outside.

"Welcome to the Velvet Room," the male with the, ahem, striking facial anatomy said softly. "Ah... It seems we have a guest with an intriguing destiny..." He trailed off, chuckling to himself as if this was something amusing. I was beginning to toy with the idea of this being one of those strange dreams that one had after consuming excessive amounts of certain foods, but something was nagging at the back of my mind.

"My name is Igor... I am delighted to make your acquaintance."

"Oh," I said in monotone. "My name's--"

"This place exists between dream and reality, mind and matter... It is a room that only those who are bound by a "contract" may enter... It may be that such a fate awaits you in the near future. Now then... why don't you introduce yourself...?"

"As I was saying before," I began, impatient after his speech. "My name is Soujiko Seta."

I could have sworn that the silent blonde snorted, yet as I glanced in her direction she turned away to observe the world's slowest orator as he prepared for yet another overdrawn speech.

"Hm... I see," he did not find my name quite so amusing. Now, let's take a look into your future, shall we? Do you believe in fortune telling?"

"Not since I found out that the one who read my fortune was my aunt after she'd had too much sake."

He was seemingly oblivious to my words, for he carried on, shuffling a deck of what I assumed to be Tarot Cards and blabbering on about Towers, tragedies, Moons and mystery. Then came the not-so-dramatic information concerning my destiny, which I pretended to look interested about for the woman was watching me like a hawk. Perhaps I needed to cut down on the amount of video games that I played.

"...If the mystery goes unsolved, your future may be forever lost. My duty is to provide assistance to our guests to ensure that does not happen. Ah! I have neglected to introduce my assistant to you. This is Margaret. She is a resident of this place, like myself."

"My name is Margaret. I am here to accompany you through your journey," his companion finally spoke in an emotionless tone.

"Your name is Margaret, but you're not an alcoholic?" I feigned disheartenment, but my joke was wasted as I received a stern expression in response. "Wait a second," I blinked, staring at either of them in turn. "You two live here? In this car?"

"Car?" Igor repeated, as if I was the one spouting gibberish. "This is the Velvet Room, as I said when you first arrived."

"Right... I get the velvet, but not so much the 'room' part... That's stretching it, even in a limo..." I then sniggered at my own joke, which was met with a confused reception. I was perplexed- weren't you always supposed to funny in your own dreams? Then again, as Pinocchigor (as I'd chosen to dub him) had said, this 'Velvet Room' existed _between_ dream and reality.

"We shall attend to the details another time. Until then, farewell... " His whimsical voice said suddenly (or as suddenly as one could speak when they were only capable of managing one syllable per second). Hawk-eyed Margaret was too uptight to wave as I felt myself, somehow, departing from my own body and drifting far, far away towards a realm that didn't creep me out as much.

*-*-*-*-*

When I awoke on the morning that I was due to go to Inaba, it was business as usual- business meaning that I was greeted by a note from my parents informing me that they had already gone to work, and that the milk in the refridgerator had expired two days previously. There was also an extra sheet of memo paper which reminded me that the train to my uncle's house in the rural settlement of Inaba would be leaving at midday, with instructions as to how one would deal with perverts and delinquents along the way.

_"If in doubt, go for the groin Souji-chan!"_ Was scribed in my mother's handwriting. My father had added an illegible note beside it, but I assumed it was something to do with his being a male. There was also an interesting section explaining about my foster town, though no valid reason as to why I couldn't locate it on Google Maps. My heart sank as I chewed on the last rice ball from the pack that I'd found in my father's secret stash. From my mother's stories about her younger brother during their youth, this 'Dojima' man didn't seem like much fun either.

After bidding farewell to the house and ensuring that each and every window was locked, I departed for the train station; endeavouring to inhale as much of the toxic city air as my lungs could take and to absorb the general ambiance of urban life in the hope that the scenery surrounding me would somehow be branded onto my brain. Except, however, for the motion picture affixed to a skyscraper which depicted the latest commercialised puppet of the entertainment industry frolicking about in her swimsuit whilst promoting a diet drink.

There was a flash of her cleavage, a close-up of her perky breasts and then her chirpy voice which delivered the final blow to every weight-conscious person in the vicinity if her airbrushed body had not already done so.

_"Still tired of diets! Enough of going to the gym! Good thing there's something even I can handle!" _She giggled to the masses. Then the cameraman finally remembered that they were supposed to be shooting an advert and not something for his own personal collection and moved the lens so that it was parallel to her face.

"Ugh, Rise Kujikawa, I won't miss seeing you plastered everywhere I go," I mumbled to myself, heading straight to the train station and purchasing my ticket.

The journey itself was pretty dull, aside from the ache that ailed my head the moment we entered a tunnel. I was also afflicted with a high-pitched wailing noise piercing through my skull, and for reasons I could not comprehend, I suddenly thought of Pinocchigor and Hawk-Eye Margaret. Their faces flashed through my mind, his beady eyes leering at me from behind the huge nose, and her cold, golden stare. Then, as I rubbed my temple in an attempt to alleviate the pain, a completely random image of two people who were seemingly duking it out in a dimly-lit room. Or were they struggling? My head hurt too much for me to care.

As the train emerged from the enclosed segment of its journey, the pain completely disappated and my cellphone suddenly came alive, bleeping urgently to alert me that I had a new message. I didn't recognise the sender's number and deleted it, thinking it was spam.

Moments later, a female voice crackled over the intercom system. I listened carefully, having always had difficulties understanding the people that they chose to record every single station name in a certain area because most city trains were noisy.

_"We will arrive at the Yasoinaba Station in a few minutes. Passengers heading for Yasoinaba please go to the other side of the platform. "_

I automatically rose to my feet, once again used to riding in locomotives so crammed full of people that even a sardine tin seemed like a palace in terms of space, where you'd have to spend five minutes elbowing your way towards the door. The other passengers stared at me nosily (though nowhere near as 'nosily' as Pinocchigor had), but I chose to ignore them. People tended to stare at me anyway due to my unnatural hair colour. No-one in my immediate family knew as to why it was grey, but we often joked to people that I took after my grandparents in that department.

Before I knew it, the doors hissed open to reveal a barren platform devoid of anything but concrete. Even the overhanging cherry blossoms hadn't bothered to lay out the pink carpet for me to walk on because I was probably the first passenger to arrive in years. Perhaps a slight exaggeration, as there were two teenagers standing on the other side of the tracks awaiting the next train. I could easily see their faces, however, and they didn't exactly look like they were having the time of their lives.

Deciding that it would be best to heed the instructions of the Almighty Train God, I ascended the stairway which led me around to the front of the station. Upon walking out into the car park with my bag in tow, I scanned the perimeter for signs of my uncle. As thoughtful as they had been to tell me that the milk was off, my parents hadn't bothered to give me a proper description of the man who was to look after me for the next three hundred and sixty-six days (hooray for leap years).

There was a male who appeared to be in his thirties leaning against a truck. He had the aura of a bachelor about him, with a loose tie around his neck, a coat slung over one shoulder in a desperate attempt to mimic a male model and five o'clock shadow protruding from his chin. From around of the side of the vehicle appeared a child who couldn't possibly be in any way associated with him; her hair was styled to perfection in two cutesy pigtails and she sported a pink ensemble that in no way had been selected for her by a man.

"Hey look Nanako, it's your cousin!" The wannabe-model straightend and smiled to the child, pointing in my direction. She surveyed me as if I were some species of alien and proceeded to stare up at him pleadingly with huge brown eyes reminiscent of an anime character.

"I thought you said that my cousin was a boy," Nanako mumbled after an awkward silence.

"Did I?" He laughed and glanced to me apologetically. On a second inspection I surmised that I had been a little judgemental, and if perhaps I were a few years older... I shook my head, reminding myself that incest was illegal and approached them. "It's Souji right? Welcome to Inaba, I'm Ryotaro Dojima and I'm your mother's younger brother."

"Soujiko," I emphasised the final syllable."But it's nice to meet you."

"Haha, you probably don't remember but we've met. I've changed your diapers before, you know."

Suddenly knowing that the man standing before me had seen me naked- had actually seen the lower half of my body made him a lot less attractive, even if I'd been a baby at the time. I felt the blood drain from my face, wondering why the Hell he had just literally confessed to seeing my vagina.

"Well you'll be glad to know that I can go to the toilet by myself now," I muttered inaudibly, not wishing for Nanako to be subjected to my dry remarks. Or not.

"This here is my daughter, Nanako. Nanako, say hi to your cousin."

"Souji is a boy's name. Dad, why does she have a boy's name?" She questioned.

"Well Nanako-chan," I smiled, bending down so that we were on the same level. "My full name is Soujiko, but people shorten it to 'Souji' because it's easier to say. Maybe someday people will call you 'Nana-chan', but just because they call you that it doesn't necessarily mean that you're a vegetable."

Her lower lip trembled slightly and she cowered behind her father's legs. Dojima chuckled again, the same chuckle he had used when referring to my diapers.

"What're you so shy for? Ouch!" He yelped as a small hand struck him hard on the backside. "C'mon, let's get going. I need to stop for gas on the way home, but we won't be long."

Inaba was actually a very enchanting place, if you happened to like trees, cows, fields, and more trees. The awkward silence made a swift return as we travelled to the gas station, so I was forced to stare out of the window at the masses of green and brown. I almost missed the drug-induced swirls of the Velvet Room. At least by then Nanako had stopped staring as me as if I were an alien- more like the mean not-boy cousin who had called her a vegetable.

"Hi there, welcome to Moel!"

"Can you go to the bathroom by yourself?" Dojima turned around in his seat and addressed Nanako. I was tempted, oh so tempted to make a remark pertaining to diapers, but I kept my mouth shut and unclipped my seat belt.

"I need some air," came my excuse, as Nanako got out of the car and stared up at the attendant just as how she had stared at me. It was comforting to witness someone else getting the wide-eye treatment- this boy had probably offended her because of his long blonde hair.

"Oh, it's in the back, to your left. You know which way is left? The side you don't hold your chopsticks in. "

"I know, geez..." She sighed, as if her intelligence was being insulted.

Nanako then immediately began heading towards the road, causing Dojima to almost dive forward and catch her before she was struck by an oncoming bicycle or pedestrian, whichever frequented this disappointment of a shopping district.

"My daughter's left handed you idiot," he barked to the poor attendant, displaying a completely different, authoritarive side.

"S'that way then..." Mumbled the sheepish-looking teen, pointing to the building sitting to the north-east of the pumps. "So uh... Are you taking a trip?"

"Nah, just went to pick her up from the station. She just moved here from the big city."

That was right- not a generic city, but the **big** city.

"The city, huh?"

_No you idiot, the __**big**__ city!_ I seethed mentally.

"Oh yeah, fill my car while you're at it. Regular's fine."

"Yessir!" He almost saluted, and Dojima ambled off, muttering about it being a good time for a smoke. I all but facepalmed.

"So, are you in high school?" The attendant began. I assumed he was talking to me, for Nanako had not returned from the bathroom (and I wasn't hoping that she'd fallen down the toilet, I swear).

"Yeah, what's it to you?"

"Does it surprise a city girl to see how little there is out here?"

"Not particularly, I wasn't expecting much after finding nothing on Google Maps or Wikipedia."

"There's so little to do, I'm sure you'll get bored fast."

"I see now why you're an attendant and not the mayor," I smiled. He continued as if I wasn't even there, reminding me of another man I had met recently.

"You'll either be hanging out with your friends, running around in dungeons collecting lumps of coal for old people, helping out foxes in shrines, getting drunk on the atmospheres of night clubs that don't serve any alcohol, meeting fish-eyed boys who turn out to be murderers, eating inedible food on numerous occasions, being subjected to singing the Junes song until you want to smash your head against a wall, eating instant noodles, being harrassed by schoolmates that annoy you, wondering if things are closed because of exams or doing part-time jobs. Speaking of which, we're actually looking for part-time help right now. Give it some thought, why don't you? We don't mind if you're a student." He offered his hand to me, a broad smile upon his face. "And by the way, I'm totally insignificant. Nothing special about me in the slightest, so you just go on and forget about me until next March!"

I could only stand with a confused expression on my face and accept the gesture. As our skin touched, I felt something strange pulsate through my veins and then nausea bubbling within my stomach. I knew that it wasn't love, because I had the urge to vomit all over the attendant. By this time, Nanako had returned with no evidence of being eaten by the plumbing system.

"You okay? Did you get carsick? You don't look too good," she remarked, most likely wondering if I was going to be sick there and then, so she would have something for next week's show-and-tell.

"I feel dizzy," I croaked, fumbling for the door handle and clambering into the car. I must have fallen asleep for the duration of the journey, for the next thing I was aware of happened to be Nanako jabbing a finger into my side.

"We're home!" She cried excitedly, as if the building we had pulled up next to was a palace. It was far from it.

Words cannot describe the juxtaposition between the houses of my mother and her younger brother. Despite the fact that we were merely renting our city-dwelling due to my parents' jobs forcing us to move around a lot, even the box room inside the accommodation I was used to was far more modern and spacious than this place looked.

"This is where you'll be staying for the next year," Dojima affirmed. "It might not be as flashy as your old place, but it has a certain charm to it."

He was right, if charm referred to a bland wooden interior that encompassed a dining area, a two-seater sofa, a smaller traditional table, a television and a ghastly pair of stuffed platypus plushies. Of course, there were other pieces of furniture, but those were the only items that stood out to me when I first entered my uncle's house.

"Your room is up there," he indicated to an inconspicuous flight of stairs. "All your things are up there, you just need to unpack them."

"Right," I nodded, staring at the kitchen which perhaps wasn't as bad as I'd initially thought- if I ignored the stack of dirty dishes piled beside the sink.

"You okay with take-out tonight?" Dojima asked me. Nanako was a seemingly contradictive combination of hopeful and dispirited as they awaited my response.

"Sure, whatever," I shrugged.

"Can we go to Junes, Dad?" The little girl suddenly sprang to life. My uncle chuckled, reaching down to ruffle her hair. His affectionate gesture accidentally moved one pigtail askew, and Nanako frowned.

"Oh, all right then. We'll leave your cousin to unpack. Have you got my number, Souji?"

"Uh... No..." I blinked.

"You got my text before, right? Saying that we'd pick you up at four from the station."

I then realised what the contents of my spam had been. Oops.

"My cell's on the blink," I lied. "Sometimes messages don't go through."

Dojima scribbled the number on a piece of paper (his cursive scarily similar to my mother's), and he and Nanako skipped off to Junes together.

An hour or so later, they returned with a bag of Junes' own version of what a Chinese meal was supposed to be, as well as three cans of TaP soda. Being more partial to Dr. Salt and Orange Smash, I was a little disheartened, but drank politely.

"Let's have a toast!" Cried Dojima. Nanako and I stared at him questioningly, and the cheery expression on his face vanished. "So," he began, clearing his throat. "Your parents are working overseas, huh? Busy as usual..."

"Actually they're taking a second, extended honeymoon in Hawaii and then messing about in Vegas for a bit," I informed him. "Twentieth wedding anniversary, if you get what I mean."

"Right, right!"

"I don't get what he means..."

"Nanako-chan, I'm not a boy."

"Haha, you'll have to wait until you're older, kiddo. Anyway, it's just me and Nanako here, so make yourself at home. It'll be nice having someone like you around." The last part of his speech was rather strained. Was he concerned that I would leave my underwear lying around? Bring a different boy home each right? Or nag at him for leaving the toilet seat up. (It was most likely the latter.)

"Thanks for your kindness," I decided to make him feel more uncomfortable by acting the appreciative guest.

"C'mon, don't be formal. You're making Nanako all tense!"

_No Uncle, Nanako had that expression on her face since you arrived back from Junes,_ I thought, loading my chopsticks with some fried rice. His phone suddenly began to ring, a standard ringtone that was about as exciting at his house, and he excused himself.

"I've gotta go out for a bit," the male explained after hanging up. "Continue eating without me, I'll just grab something out of the fridge later."

"Fine," I nodded, helping myself to a larger portion of rice.

"Nanako!" He hollered from the porch, after putting his coat on. "It's raining! What did you do with the laundry?"

"I brought it in ages ago!" She replied, her gaze transfixed upon the remote control that lay before the television.

"Well I'm off then!"

There was a long silence between his words and the slamming of the door. I could only assume that he was waiting for us to say goodbye, but Nanako was still having a staring contest with the remote and I was shovelling food into my mouth as fast as I could. Within seconds of her father's departure, Nanako switched the television on. A pretty woman appeared on the screen, standing before a map of the region decorated with various weather symbols.

_"... As you can see, there is going to be a lot of rain. This is due to storm clouds moving in from the west..."_

"Are you gonna eat all of that?" Nanako prodded me, having suddenly appeared from nowhere. I leapt about two inches into the air, almost dropping my bowl of rice.

"N-no! You have some!" I grabbed her a plate, piling a copious amount of food on its dull white surface. She knelt beside me, picking up her chopsticks in her left hand and beginning to pick at the meal. "So uh... What does your dad do then?"

"He's a detective. He... Investigates crime scenes."

"Figures," I nodded.

_"And now for the local news. City council secutary Taro Namatame is under fire for an alleged relationship with a female reporter. His wife, enka ballad sensation, Misuzu Hiiragi, revealed to this station that she will likely pursue damages. In response, Eye television has decided to cancel all of announcer Mayumi Yamano's televised apperances. Until allegations of an affair with Mr. Namatame are resolved, she'll remain off the air and out of the public eye."_

"They were talking about this on my way here," I pointed to the screen with the utensils in my hand. "He's such a weird looking guy too- I bet he's secretly a kidnapper or something."

"It's boring..." The young girl remarked, changing the channel over. Another piece of footage that was familiar to me was being broadcast, and Nanako once again became a completely different child.

_"At Junes, every day is Customer Appreciation Day. Come see for yourself, and get in touch with our products! Every day's great at your Junes!"_

"Every day's great at your Junes!" She echoed happily. "Aren't you going to sing along too?"

"I'd rather not," I muttered, and then choked as she jabbed her chopsticks into my side. Glaring at her did nothing, she only stared up at me adamantly.

"Are you sure?"

"Uhhh... Every day's great at your Junes?" I prayed that my kidneys were okay.

"No! It's like this!" Nanako cleared her throat and puffed out her chest. "Every day's great at your Junes! It's not a question!"

"Every day's great at your Junes!" I sang, even throwing in jazz hands.

"That's better," she pouted. "But you're a really bad singer."

Bedtime could not have come sooner. After stuffing ourselves with Chinese food, Nanako and I shared a frosty silence which was only shattered by Dojima returning home. He was able to persuade her to unglue her eyes from the screen and go to bed, and I decided to return to my room in order to recuperate from my long journey. I felt extremely sleepy, and as my head hit the pillow, I contemplated the idea of Nanako lacing my food with drugs of some kind, because I had never felt so fatigued in all my life. It made sense, what with Dojima being a detective and all.

*-*-*-*-*

"Is it truth that you seek?"

I opened my eyes, expecting to be greeted by Baron Bignose and his pre-menstrual assistant, but instead finding myself incapable of distiguishing anything other than a stagnant white fog in my peripheral.

"What the Hell? Did I get thrown out of the limo?" I wondered aloud, getting to my feet and attempting to make sense of my situation.

"If it's truth you desire, come and find me..."

"Wait a second! I can't see a damned thing!" I shouted to the voice, which sounded very familiar. "Hey! Aren't you the guy at the gas station?"

"E-excuse me?" The voice stammered. "Dammit-- I mean! What gas station?"

"You almost killed my cousin! Not that I'm bothered, but still!"

"Just shut up and try and whack me with this sword a couple of times!" Commanded the not-so-mysterious-but-in-denial speaker. I felt the sensation of cold metal between my fingertips, a heavy weapon that my pitiful girl-arms could not bear to hold upright for more than five seconds. "Not so cocky now, are you?" It mocked as the sound of the sword clattering to the floor reverberated around the vicinity, beginning to laugh at my failure.

Therefore, I took it upon myself to remove my right shoe and toss it as hard as I could into the fog. My aim was fairly accurate, for I definitely heard the impact of sole against skull, and the laughing warped into a cry of startled pain.

"I see..." It muttered sourly. "Indeed, you possess an interesting quality... But... you will not catch me so easily..."

"I wasn't chasing you."

"If what you seek is the "truth," then your search will be even harder..."

"I wasn't looking for you either, I just got lucky with the shoe thing."

"Everyone sees what they want to..." It was beginning to become slightly frustrated with my interjections. "And the fog only deepens... Will we meet again...? At a place other than here..."

"We already did, you idiot."

"Shut up and let me be dramatic!"

"Can I have my shoe back?"

"Sure you can," the voice said in a tone that oozed sarcasm.

I was then predictably buffeted in the head with my own footwear. Instead of attempting to dodge it I remained motionless, because I knew in places like this, the dramatic voices always hit their targets. Hopefully, this was just a dream and not in the place between dream and reality, else I'd wake up with a really bad headache. I felt myself starting to black out, my limbs becoming as rigid as a bowl of jelly and giving way beneath me...


	2. STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK! :K

Before you read this chapter, please note that the opinions expressed by Soujiko and friends are not my own. I am exaggerating certain things/ using stereotypes and immature humour in an attempt to be funny, and if it seems like I'm character bashing or discriminating against various groups, know that it's for the story only. I'm a nice person, honest! XD Also, for those who are curious to know what Soujiko looks like... Just imagine normal Souji with boobs, and Bob's your uncle*! 8D Creative character designs ftw!

*I do actually have an uncle named Bob. o_o;

* * *

**Chapter 2 - STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK! :K**

When I awoke, a voice in my head reminded me that it was my first day of school, and I should probably head to the living room. After having sustained a bruise from my last encounter with a voice (which led me to believe that my 'dream' was real), I decided to obey. Nanako was in the kitchen area, attempting to cook.

"Um, Nanako-chan?" I tentatively prodded the anaemic, watery substance with the prongs of my fork after she had dished it up. "Did you cook this by yourself?"

"Yeah," the little girl nodded proudly, slipping into her own seat and delving into her meal. "Dad loves my sunny-side up eggs."

To be honest, I couldn't see anything sunny about the mess that was on my plate- perhaps there had been a total eclipse as Nanako slaved away over the stove, and the moon was still shielding the sun.

"Well uh... I don't like eggs," I explained, hoping I could manipulate the situation via her naivety. "So how about you eat mine?"

"I'm not stupid," she glowered at me, grabbing her glass of orange juice and taking a long swig reminiscent of those old, one-eyed cowboys in black and white westerns.

"I honestly don't," I protested, trying the honest route. "I only like them when you can't taste them, and when the white isn't well... Transparent."

"By the way, Dad didn't realise you were a girl when he ordered the uniform." She pointed to my ensemble, which admittedly I had found rather strange when I'd opened the bags that it came in. "But you don't look like a girl, so it's okay."

Ah, the innocence of youth... An innocence that was short-lived as I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from the side and drew two rather crude, yet anatomically correct, pictures to show Nanako why I wasn't finding this very funny.

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the morning, merely grunting and pointing west when we reached the flood plains. I assumed that she was informing me as to the location of Yasogami High School and not a bottomless pit, therefore trusted her direction. However, I knew I was on the right track when I heard a screech of tyres, a high-pitched male scream and the sound of something slapping wet tarmac.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Groaned the male who had fallen from his bicycle. He was writhing in the middle of the road, clutching at his groin in what appeared to be agony rather than pleasure. Beneath him was a crumpled umbrella, which I assumed had been the cause of the accident.

"Hey, is this the way to Yasogami High?" I queried, standing over him and staring at the contraption, which surprisingly was still intact.

"What? Oh, y-yeah," he grimaced.

"Great," I nodded. "Since you won't be able to ride your bike for the rest of the journey, I'll wheel it in for you if you want."

"Really? Thanks buddy!"

"No problem," I smiled, heaving the frame off the ground and swinging a leg over the seat before it got any wetter. The last thing I wanted was a damp ass.

"What? No!" Came his cries as I began to pedal in the direction of the school, leaving the boy to flail in the puddles.

*-*-*-*-*

As an experienced transfer student, I wasn't expecting much to occur when the teacher introduced me to my new class. It was pretty much the same wherever I went: my name would be scribed in chalk upon the blackboard and said aloud for the dumbasses that couldn't read. Sometimes I'd be asked to say a few words, but that novelty had worn off by the time I'd transferred to my fifth middle school. Thus, it was understandable that I was somewhat perplexed by the absence of a smiling, welcoming teacher and the white kanji scrawled on the board for all to see. Instead, I was greeted by a sea of eyes all staring at me as if I had, I dunno, turned up in the wrong uniform. The first snickers rolled in, accompanied with stupid remarks and idiotic questions.

"Who is that?"

"Is that a girl or a guy?"

"It looks like a guy, but it's got boobs..."

"I'd tap that, regardless."

If that wasn't enough to make me feel at home, the door behind me slammed open to reveal a middle-aged male who appeared as enthusiastic as I did to be in that room. There was something rather strange about his gait, as if he had consumed a bottle or two of sake before driving in, and his teeth... They were a set of gnashers that even a genius like Beethoven would have mistaken for a baby grand. Perhaps one of his ancestors had mated with a horse at one point? The thought of bestiality made me shudder, so I decided to absorb the sight of my new classmates and pick out one or two potential friends. The boy whose bike I had pilfered had somehow managed to arrive before I had, and was slumped upon his desk like the loser he was. As I stared at him, I caught the eye of a pretty brunette whose haircut screamed that she was a lesbian.

_Now now Souji, don't go judging books by their covers. She's bi-sexual at least, _I mused.

"Alright you buncha losers, settle down," the drunk who I assumed to be the homeroom teacher hiccuped. "As you can see, we've got a new student. This idiot is from the big city... Yesh..." He slurred. "I know it looks like a guy with tits, but I can assure you that this is a girl. You boys mighta heard all about city girls, and now you finally have the chance to see one in the flesh! This one's gonna be in your class for the next year, and judging by her clothing, she's one of those sluts who think that women are equal to men."

"Say what?" I muttered, choosing not to subject him to my full wrath since he'd been considerate enough to use an appropriate noun before 'city'.

"That's it, you're goin' on my shit list uh... Whatsyername... Oh right. Her name's Soujiko Seta," he blinked down at what I assumed were my transfer papers. "So now you morons can waste half the day adding her to your FaceSpace and Tweeter pages."

Almost instantly, most of the class pulled their cell phones from their bags and began texting furiously. The lesbian, the bicycle boy and another girl in a red sweater were the only ones not to join in with the fun.

"You can shit next to Satonaka." By the way he was waving at a vacant seat beside the lesbian, I assumed that this was another slur of the tongue and that he didn't expect me to defecate the chair. "And if I catch you seducing these pure, untainted students then I'll chop your balls off. Okay, you can knock about with the guys, but leave the girls for us old bastards to befriend on MMORPGs."

"He's the worst, huh?" The green-jacketed 'Satonaka' murmured to me as the teacher tripped over the waste paper basket. "Trust my luck to get King Moron as a homeroom teacher."

"King Moron?" I echoed, confused. "He's frickin' insane, let alone moronic."

"His name is Mr. Morooka, so that's where it comes from," she shrugged.

"Evidently," I nodded.

"Awright shut your trap, city slut," King Moron barked, throwing a pencil in my direction. "I'm takin' names."

Thankfully, Mr. Moron-oka (the title of 'king' did not befit him) sobered about halfway through the day, and by the time the final bell rang he was referring to me as 'the new kid' like everyone else was. Personally I preferred 'City Slut', because although it was somewhat stereotypical of a country-bumpkin like Moron-oka to assume that I was promiscuous, it would at least give me a reputation and thus convince the stupid country folk to butt out of my business.

The intercom announced something concerning a staff meeting, but a groan echoed around the classroom as we were instructed not to leave our classrooms. Immediately the students began to chatter amongst themselves, and I couldn't help but overhear a conversation between two boys who were standing by the window.

"Did something happen? Ugh, I can't see a damn thing. Frickin' fog..." The first groaned.

"Yeah, it's like every time it rains lately, it gets foggy," his friend added. "Ever since that new guy started at the gas station."

"You mean Moel? Yeah, I know the guy! He's totally a chick in drag, like that detective we sometimes see wandering about?"

"Man, this town's filled with traps."

"You mean, booby traps!" Laughed the first student.

"Guys," a third hissed. "You're supposed to stick to the story!"

"Oh right, right," Student Number Two grinned. "Hey Amagi, isn't that Mayumi Yamano lady who is totally unrelated to all this rain staying at your place? I heard that the paps were looking for her."

The girl in the red sweater who had refrained from adding me to her friends lists earlier stared at him vacantly.

"I can't discuss such things." She said.

"Sheesh, how long is this gonna take?" Satonaka thumped her desk with a fist.

"There's no telling." 'Amagi' replied.

"I could've been home by now if I'd left before they made that announcement..."

"Oh, that reminds me- what were you talking to that guy about?"

"That thing that happens on rainy nights..."

Amagi sighed. "Not that again. I swear you've rotted your brain with all those kung-fu movies that you watch..."

"Hey! But I actually found out something useful this time! Some guy said," she cleared her throat and lowered the pitch of her voice. "My soul mate is Yamano, the announcer!"

It was actually a very convincing performance; when I squinted she looked exactly like a boy. By the lack of emotion upon Amagi's face, I assumed that she didn't share my feelings.

_"Attention all students. An incident has occurred inside the school district and the police have been dispatched to the roads within the area. We have informed your parents and guardians, so please leave the school orderly and immediately without disrupting the police."_

Everyone instantaneously flocked to the door, pushing, shoving and struggling to get out. As I stood up, having deliberately taken twice as much time to pack my things away, the girl in the green jacket was standing right beside me.

"Yeah?" I quirked a brow.

"Are you going home alone?"

"Sorry, I'm not into girls," is what I wanted to say, but I settled for a simple 'no'.

"Oh, I forgot. I'm Chie Satonaka, and I sit next to you."

"Right..." I frowned.

"This is Yukiko Amagi, of the Amagi Inn."

"Creative..."

"Oh, hello," her red-sweatered friend nodded in greeting. "I'm Yukiko Amagi, of the Amagi Inn."

"Yeah, I heard," I remarked upon collecting my book bag from the floor.

"If you see me randomly with a kimono, it's because my parents own the Amagi Inn."

"Wow Yukiko, that's the most I've ever heard you say to someone who isn't me!" Exclaimed Chie. "Then again, I do like the sound of my own voice, so when we speak to people you never get a word in edgeways, haha!"

"Sorry to spoil the fun, but I really have to go," I told them, turning around only to be greeted by the unfortunate cyclist from earlier.

"Uh... Um... Miss Satonaka... It was really good... I mean, their moves were seriously awesome and uhhh... Just take the damn DVD and wait for my next pay cheque!" He gabbled, throwing a case at the brunette and high-tailing it back to his seat.

"What was that about?" Chie frowned in confusion, opening the DVD labelled 'Trial of the Dragon'. Her mouth dropped open as she saw what was inside. "... The heck? Why does my disc have tape all over it?"

"Look, there are cracks," Yukiko prodded the object with a slender finger.

"My... My... Trial... Of the... Dragon!" Chie suddenly wailed, falling to her knees. The male's brown eyes wandered over to cringe at the scene, and no sooner had Chie looked up and made visual contact with him, he was on the floor clutching at his groin. Again.

"Holy shit," I breathed, staring at the girl who had gone from a crumpled wreck to a freakin' ninja in less than a nanosecond.

"Agh... Ugh..." He groaned, moving about in the same way he had done earlier that day after coming off his bike. "Saki-senpai... We'll never have kids now!"

"I think you went a little hard on him Chie," Yukiko tilted her head to one side, though her face and tone were void of any emotion. Was she perhaps a robot?

"Oh... Yukiko-san," the boy whose genitals were a magnet for pain gasped weakly. "You're worried about me?"

"Pfft, let's go Yukiko, New Kid," Chie pouted, swinging her bag over one shoulder and storming out. Yeah, she was definitely a lesbian.

*-*-*-*-*

If Mr. Moron-oka's ancestors had mated with horses somewhere down their family tree, then the person who stood outside Yasogami High (wearing a completely different uniform and therefore portraying himself as a weirdo before opening his mouth) must have had a fish for a grandmother. His eyes were jet black and seemingly too big for his head, his skin was oily and his lips twitched involuntarily, just like the goldfish that I had kept as a pet back when I was a young girl. As I absorbed his odd appearance, I realised that I would never be able to look at sushi in the same way again.

"O-oh, you're Yuki Amagi of the Amagi Inn, right?" Fish Boy asked as we emerged from the building and passed him. "Do you wanna hang out? Maybe have some fun with me?" Unbelievably, his eyes bulged even more beyond his sockets as he pitched his request to the blank-faced daughter of the Amagi family.

"Uhh... Who... Are you?"

"Just some kid from another school who somehow knows King Moron. Don't ask me how, either, because I haven't got a clue myself!"

"Right..." Chie nodded, her arms folded across her chest. "Psst, New Kid. You haven't been told about the Amagi Challenge yet, have you?"

"Does it involve Yukiko being a frigid whore? I can kinda tell."

"Wow, you're pretty good," Chie nodded. "She's pretty hot, but she rejects everyone who asks her out on a date... It kinda... Makes you wanna grow bananas out of your head and whip people, doesn't it?"

I decided not to respond to that. Not even I, Soujiko Seta: shoe-thrower, bike-stealer, and alleged city slut could come up with something to counter that stupidity. Therefore, I returned to listening in on the other plot device.

"Hey, hey! Are you going to come with me or not? Which is it, which is it?" He was now throwing his limbs about frantically, as if he had tentacles and not fins, I mean, arms and legs. His eyes protruded so much from his sockets that I realised that I would never be able to _eat_ sushi again.

"I'm not going," the Yuki-bot shook her head.

"F-fine!" Fish Boy all but exploded. "Don't go out with me then! I'll just wait for a cop to throw me into a TV and then we'll see who's sorry!"

"What did he want?" She asked Chie. Obviously Yukiko had been programmed to function without a brain.

"Um, he was asking you out on a date."

"A... Date?"

"Not the fruit," I quipped. "The social arrangement that leads to bumping uglies if you're drunk enough."

"Oh, is that so?" Not an ounce of expression. No intonation at the end of her question. Nada.

"Hey Amagi," a familiar male voice said, "breaking more hearts? I remember the time when you turned me down last year... So cruel... But now I have my angel Saki-senpai! Even though we may no longer be able to have children of our own," the failure of a cyclist/ human being glared accusingly at Chie and myself. "We can still spend our lives stacking shelves together!"

"I don't remember rejecting you."

"Really? Then how about we go out now?"

"Not interested," she sniffed.

"Oh well," he shrugged, mounting his bike. "I still have my beloved. Enjoy the new transfer student, I'm outta here. Onward, my noble steed!" He cried, pushing off the ground and pedalling ahead. "To Junes we fly!"

"... Enjoy?" I twitched, gazing nervously at Chie.

"Ahaha!" She chuckled. "That guy is so dumb. He's from the city too, so he's always saying weird things like that."

"You make it sound like us city folk are from faraway, distant lands."

"Well you are, aren't you? You're not in the country when you're in the city."

It took me a while to realise that she wasn't joking. Our fun-filled journey continued, as we walked past a river, some fields, more fields, a meadow filled with cows and- I almost fainted when I saw it- a pylon!

"There really isn't anything here," an astute Chie had noticed my lack of appreciation for Inaba's rustic charm. "Then again, there is the Amagi Inn. Yukiko's family run that!"

"Oh really?" I humoured her our of sheer boredom. Yuki-bot remained silent.

"Yeah. They get a lot of tourists because Yukiko's so beautiful! You know, with her silky black hair, porcelain doll skin, mysterious demeanour..." A sigh escaped from the girl's lips. "Do you think Yukiko is beautiful, New Kid?"

"It's hard to say," I said truthfully, casually sneaking a glance at the woman in question. "I'm not into girls."

"Ahahahaha!" There came Chie's crazy chuckle again. "Right, right. Sorry, it's because you're wearing pants instead of a skirt."

"You people really are backwards, aren't you?" I muttered inaudibly.

"But Yukiko's the most popular girl at school," the oblivious Chie smiled. "Even so, she doesn't have a boyfriend because she's a frigid whore."

"You don't have a boyfriend either Chie," the other girl added. "I wonder why..."

I restrained the urge to find a wall and smack my head against it repeatedly, and continued to walk home with them. As a light rain began to cascade from the heavens we all reached for our umbrellas. I was certain that the journey hadn't been as long on the way there, but our travels were interrupted when we approached the shopping district.

The flashing lights were the first things to ensnare my attention, the blue beacons that belonged to the emergency services. I assumed this was the police, and sure enough, streams of yellow tape soon came into view.

"Dammit Adachi, quit spewing your guts out all over the crime scene!" A man's voice barked from within the KEEP OUT zone as a younger looking officer doubled over. I recognised that voice...

"Hey Uncle Dojima," I waved casually as Chie and Yuki-bot halted in their tracks to take a snoop at the investigation scene, hoping that Nanako had not informed him about the anatomy lesson. "'Sup?"

"Oh, it's you," he frowned, hauling the sickly detective up off the ground by his collar and casting him aside as if he were a doll. "So, you made some friends, huh?"

"Hardly. They're not exactly the company that I like to keep. One's a lesbian, the other's a robot," I sighed.

"Huh?" He blinked, removing a cigarette from his pocket. "You three shouldn't be here. Hey Adachi, are you done decorating the road with your lunch yet?" Dojima turned to the man who was down on all fours.

"Ngh, sorry Dojima-san," he cringed, wiping his mouth with a sleeve and rising to his feet.

"Freakin' noobs," my uncle tutted, struggling to light his cigarette and hold his umbrella up at the same time.

"Hey Yukiko, let's go to Junes!" Chie suggested suddenly.

"But just looking at the sign makes me gain weight," groaned Yuki-bot.

"Yeah, because you're the poster girl for obesity," I sighed, eyeing her petite frame (though not in the lesbian way that Chie was).

"See? Even she thinks I'm fat!"

"Fine, I'll eat your steak too," Chie rolled her eyes in defeat. "We'll see you tomorrow, Souji-kun!"

"Whatever," I shrugged, focusing my attention upon my uncle and his unlucky subordinate.

"Forget what you saw here, unless you want me to suspect that you're the murderer for the rest of the time you're here. I'm warning you, we've got chloroform."

"Fine, fine," I relented, holding up my hands. "I'll go home and babysit your kid whilst you abuse your work colleagues, Uncle Dojima. S'not like there's anything better to do in this dump."

*-*-*-*-*

When I got home, Nanako was glued to the television. Not literally of course, though I would have preferred it if the little brat was permanently stuck to the device- that way she wouldn't be able to glare at me as if I happened to be the Devil as I sat down beside her, nor would she be able to punch me hard in the left kidney.

"Dad's not home," she said after we heated up the leftovers in the fridge and sat down to eat. "So we're watching what _I_ want to watch."

"Fair enough," I shrugged, savouring the taste of day-old rice in my mouth as she changed the channel to the news. From what I had observed in the twenty-four hours of living with my uncle, this would probably be my last decent meal for at least a week. "Hey, isn't that the central shopping district?"

"Yeah, so?" Nanako muttered, her mouth full of pork.

_"... At about midday today, the body of a woman was discovered in the Samegawa neighbourhood of Inaba. According to the police, the body in question is that of 27 year-old Mayumi Yamano, an announcer of a local TV station. We recently brought you news of Ms. Yamano's affair with council secretary, Taro Namatame..."_

"Oh, that's the woman who couldn't keep her legs closed," I nodded, pointing at the image of the pretty brunette on the screen with my chopsticks. "She was having an affair with the kidnapper guy. God his eyes are spooky. So I guess that's why your dad's not back yet, Nanako-chan."

_"The cause of death is yet unknown, but she was discovered hanging upside down- entangled within a TV antenna of a large private house."_

"Okay, that's enough violence for you," I said in a sing-song voice, boldly swiping the remote from beneath Nanako's nose and changing over to the next channel. Thankfully, the advert playing saved me from being skewered with her chopsticks. However, it did not save my ears, which began to bleed as the child joined in with the jingle.

"Every day's great at your Junes! Every day's great at your Junes!"

"You sure like that song, huh," I observed.

"... What? It's the best song ever! I love Junes! Junes! Junes, Junes, Junes! Why are you staring at me like I'm crazy?" Her lower lip quivered as she caught sight of my quirked brow. "I'm only six, geez." Then, her expression changed. "Do you like Junes?"

"Uhhh..."

"If you don't want to spend the night crawling to the hospital, I suggest that you answer 'yes'."

"Um, I love Junes."

"Hahaha! Every day's great at your Junes! I'm the best in my class at singing the jingle, you know. I'm special."

"That you are," I rolled my eyes, finishing the last of my rice and escaping upstairs to the sanctuary of my room.

*-*-*-*-*

The following day started similarly to the one before it, with Nanako cooking an inedible breakfast and not speaking to me all morning once I had dressed myself in the incorrect uniform. As the rain hadn't been forecast until later that evening, I didn't need to lug my umbrella with me. However, the boy whose baby-making factory had been shut down by external forces still managed to fall off his bicycle. Somehow, he landed face-first inside a trash can. I wondered what the Hell he had done for karma to screw him over so badly.

"Help!" I heard his voice echo. I decided that perhaps I should help him, in order to prevent my own karma from screwing me over if I ever decided to ride a bike again.

In say, the time it takes for a screen to fade to black and then back again, I managed to pull him out of the bin. His light brown hair was scruffier than I remembered, and he was sporting a banana peel for a hat. He emanated that sweet, putrid smell of garbage that had been left to decompose in a warm environment and then been subjected to a whole day's worth of rain.

"Phew, you saved me!" He grinned. "Thanks a bunch, uh..."

"Soujiko Seta."

"... But you're a guy..." Came his confused expression. "Wait, are you a tranny?"

It really took all I had to prevent myself from shoving him back in the bin and stealing his bike again.

"No, my uncle fails at communication and ordered me the wrong uniform," I sighed, unbuttoning my blazer. "Look, I have boobs."

"That doesn't prove anything. At least let me touch them."

"Hell no. I don't even know your name."

"Oh, I'm Yosuke Hanamura. It's nice to meet you," he leered, reaching forward in an attempt to grope me. It was at that moment that I had the slight inkling that this would not be the last time that someone would try to cop a feel.

"Sure," I side-stepped, leaving him to wave his arms about in the air in order to regain his balance. "Is your bike okay?"

"It's fine, why?" He narrowed his eyes. "You're not gonna steal it are you, like some dude did yesterday."

"No," I lied. "Why would I want to rob a cute guy like you?"

"I don't swing that way!" He screeched, backing off. "Even if you do have boobs! I like girls- G-I-R-L-S! Oh yeah, did you hear about last night's news?"

"What about it?"

"Don't you think that they should have shown a picture of the announcer's body? With panty shots and everything because she was upside down, and I bet that she was wearing a skirt on the day she was killed!"

"..."

"Oh right, you're probably not into panty shots. My bad."

"I was being silent at your stupidity. Do you happen to share a brain cell with Chie Satonaka?"

"Don't mention that demon's name! My balls twinge in pain at the mere thought of her."

"Well, that's one less girl you'll be jacking off to," I smiled. "Mr. Moron-oka will be so proud."

"By the way, do you want a ride on my bike?" Yosuke asked as he lifted the vehicle off the ground and mounted it. "So long as you press your boobs against my back and not your, you know, I don't mind."

And thus, Pervsuke was born.

*-*-*-*-*

The remainder of the morning was pretty uneventful. Moron-oka was a lot less fun when he was sober, and I had the feeling that I should have paid full attention to what it was he was blabbering on about. It wasn't my fault that Pervsuke kept shoving notes in my direction.

_I still don't believe that you're a girl. - Y_

_That's nice. - S_

_Though you gotta tell me where you got those false boobs from. They're so soft. :,D - Y_

_You're creeping me out more than his teeth do. Leave me alone. - S_

_STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK STEAK! :K - C_

_Piss off Chie! If the transfer student turns out to be a girl, her ass is mine! - Y_

_And if he's a guy, your ass is his! YOU HAVE 'UKE' IN YOUR NAME OLOL. - C_

_Damn yaoi fangirl... - Y_

_Guys, why the Hell are you passing me your notes? x_x; - S_

_I'm so fat. :( - Y. A. of the A. Inn._

After the chaos that was my school day, Pervsuke collared me as I was about to leave the classroom.

"So, how're you settling in?" He smiled, staring at my chest. "You want me to show you around?"

"Not really..." I frowned.

"Haha! You remind me of me when I first came here! Only I'm not a tranny."

"Good for you," I responded, still not willing to make an effort to befriend this freak.

"I'm from the big city too, but it's a different big city to your big city."

"Oh really?" Admittedly, his use of 'big city' piqued my interest.

"Yup!" Pervsuke nodded excitedly. "I came here about six months ago. Speaking of which, I found this great place that not many people know about when I arrived. You wanna come with? We can get some steak if you want- my treat for helping me out this morning."

Before I could open my mouth to answer, I was knocked to the floor by a hurricane clothed in a green jacket.

"Steak!" Chie whooped, punching the air. "Me too, me too, me too!"

"Chie-chan, quit jumping on me..." I groaned from beneath her.

"Oh right, sorry New Kid."

"That's Soujiko," I sighed upon standing up and brushing the dust off my clothes. Pervsuke's eyes swelled to the size of saucers as I dusted my chest area. I ignored him.

"So, seeing as you broke my DVD, you owe me," Chie addressed the male. "So, I'm gonna join you guys on your date!"

"No way are you coming Chie! I already said that this guy's ass is mine, if he's not a guy!"

"Fine, I'll just tear up the naked photographs of Yukiko that I took, instead of giving them to you for your birthday... Oh, wait a second! Yukiko!" She yelled over to her robot companion. "Do you wanna hang out with Yosuke and the New Kid? We're gonna get steak!"

"No, I'm too fat," the girl sighed from her seat. "I have to help out at the Amagi Inn anyway."

"Some other time then," Chie's expression fell.

"By the way, I've only got coupons for kiddie meals. I hope that's okay," Pervsuke chuckled as the three of us exited the classroom. Tight as well as perverted; I highly doubted that girls were queuing up to date him.

*-*-*-*-*

The 'great place' that Pervsuke escorted us to only happened to be frickin' Junes. I was surprised that I didn't turn into a madwoman upon hearing the cheery tune blaring from speakers that seemed to be fixed to every single wall. We sat in the food court with children's portions on our plates, but I wasn't complaining. It was heaven compared to what I had been fed at Dojima's place.

"Yosuke, you're an ass," Chie said what we were both thinking. "You brought us over to your place, and they don't even sell steak here!"

"Oh right," Pervsuke must've been staring at my breasts when the confused look appeared upon my face. "I forgot to mention, my dad kinda owns the Junes store here."

"How can you forget that?"

"Says the one who forgets her brain every day," he smirked at Chie. "But it's pretty impressive, huh 'Soujiko'?"

"There's no need for air quotes," I sighed, wiping my mouth with the serviette that had been included in my kiddie meal. "And no, not really."

"Dammit, do you care about anything?" Pervsuke asked frustratedly.

"That's an interesting question," I smiled. "No. As far as I'm concerned, you're all idiots."

"... Oh, I see," he frowned, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms. I watched him briefly, and followed his gaze from my chest to the face of a young woman who was clearing a table a short distance away from us. "Hey... It's Saki-senpai!" Like a hyperactive puppy he leaped from his seat and lollygagged over to the girl.

"That's his girlfriend, right?" I asked Chie, who proceeded to stuff her face with the rest of his meal.

"Oh no," Chie, whose mouth was crammed with fries to the point where she resembled a hamster, managed to say. "That's the girl he stalks. It's kinda like me and Yukiko, only Yukiko isn't aware of it. Saki-senpai's family own a liquor store in the shopping district, which is probably why she has a name that sounds like alcohol."

"I see."

"She works here part-time, and Yosuke's obsessed with her. She's too pointy for my liking though."

"Shh, I can't hear them!"

"If you're tired, you can take a break my love," Pervsuke simpered. "We can retire to the futon section and--"

"I'm fine," Saki-senpai smiled weakly. "I'm almost finished with my shift anyway. Wait a minute Hana-chan, who's your new friend?" She pointed in my direction.

"That's Soujiko, the tranny transfer student."

"Oh really?" She giggled, pushing past him and sauntering over to our table. "Looks like a girl to me."

I almost died in my chair. Finally, someone without my personal details on a piece of paper in front of them had recognised me as a woman!

"Hey," I nodded in acknowledgement. "I'm Soujiko Seta."

"Yup, definitely a girl," she giggled again, sending Pervsuke swooning to the stars and back. "So Hana-chan's already asked you out on a date, huh?"

"It's not like that honey!" Pervsuke wailed, falling to his knees and clutching at Saki-senpai's apron. "You know that my heart belongs to you and only you, my angel!"

"Um, Hana-chan, people are staring," she muttered, giving me a pained look. "Anyway, it was nice to meet you Soujiko-chan. Please treat Hana-chan well. I know he can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but he's a good guy really. Just be careful when you're in the shower, and make sure never to get dressed by a window- especially if there's a street light or a pipe outside your room."

"Will do," I smiled, shuddering at the thought of a peeping Pervsuke.

"Anyway, I must get back to work," Saki-senpai sighed.

"Do you want me to escort you, darling?" 'Hana-chan' took her by the hand, twirling her about in a very fail manner.

"No, I'm okay," she cringed, prising herself free of his grasp. "Catch you later, Hana-chan!"

"Oh Saki-senpai," Pervsuke sighed blissfully, watching her disappear from sight. "Why must you deny your love and treat me like a younger brother?"

"Maybe because you're a creep?"

"Ah well. If Saki-senpai says that you're a girl, then you must be one," he nodded. "I'm sorry for calling you a tranny."

"And for asking me where I got my boobs from."

"But you do look a lot like a guy," Chie mused, having moved on from food to the unused serviettes. "You have short grey hair, you're tall, have no hips and your voice is pretty deep."

"Gee, with people like you in a world it's no wonder so many people are insecure about themselves," I mumbled inaudibly as Pervsuke continued to whine about Saki-senpai.

"Oh, by the way you two!" The other female began, between finishing one tissue and stuffing another in her mouth. "Have you heard of the Midnight Channel?"


	3. The Midnight Channel is not for Porn

Just to let you know, there is a poll on my user profile that asks you to pick which sports team you'd like to see Soujiko join. I'd appreciate it if you voted, but please don't feel like you have to. The poll will probably run for a while, as we've got a ways to go until that happens. :D

If anyone knows where I can find a full copy of the P4 script, I'd be very grateful if you contacted me. At the moment I'm using videos on YouTube as reference, but it's quite time consuming to sit and watch each scene and then write the next part of the story. XD; I've searched for one myself, but the ones I've found only go up to April 14th. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this next part of P4P~

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Midnight Channel is (not) for Porn**

I could hear the sound of rain pit-pattering against my window, and quite frankly, it was annoying. Draped over the two-seater with the remote in one hand and the novel I was reading about milquetoast-y teachers in the other, I couldn't think of anything but the stupid rain and the even more stupid story that Chie had told me in Junes.

_"It's called the Midnight Channel. If you stare into a TV on a rainy night, something good will appear on the screen! And it's not porn, Yosuke!"_

I had initially dismissed it as an urban rumour, and in fact Chie's words were pushed farther into the the depths of my mind when I had arrived home to find my uncle eating dinner with Nanako.

"Is it true, or just a bunch of bullshit?" I asked myself aloud, for no reason whatsoever. Thankfully, this town hadn't depraved me of enough sanity for me to answer. My eyes wandered to the clock, whose hands were both pointing to twelve o' clock. If I employed my self-restraint (which had been serving me faithfully all day long), I would be able to get up, draw the curtains shut, sort out my futon and go to bed.

Unfortunately, my attention was ensnared by the appearance of three strange coloured lights reflected in the window and warped by the droplets of rain trickling down the glass surface (hopefully it was Nanako's true family coming to take her back home to Mars). Dazzled by the red, yellow and blue hues, my vow not to try out Chie's idiotic rumour was forgotten as I turned around and stared at the television.

Nothing happened.

_Yup. Bullshit, _I smirked, smarting somewhat from my error. I was about to turn away and resume preparing the futon, when the television set burst into an R2-D2 impression (if R2-D2 were on helium, that was). The screen flickered, and I was treated to a choppy, blurry film of a brown-haired woman running around in what appeared to be a supermarket. Despite it obviously being a low-budget horror movie, something I abhorred more than anything, I was transfixed. The fact that the girl featured in this delightful broadcast looked identical to Saki-senpai (who was also very pointy and wore a Yasogami High uniform) was just a coincidence.

_"I art thou, and thou art I."_

There were only two people who spoke like that: God, and Shakespeare. Considering one was dead and buried in jolly old England and the other was probably too busy being Almighty to deal with city sluts, I assumed that my previous claim that I still retained my sanity was incorrect. Damn, did my head hurt...

_"Thou art the one who opens the door..."_

"Darnit, I've been playing too much Kingdom Hearts," I muttered, suddenly clutching at my head as pain seared through my skull. Then I heard a small explosion over the echoes of the rain and the shrill screeching that pierced my eardrums. Maybe the aliens had landed and were proceeding to blow up everything in sight, as aliens often did in Japan.

_"Gah... Izanami said that you were a total mood killer," _the voice tutted.

"Izanami? The guy at the gas station?" I frowned, cringing with pain.

_"Shit, who told you about...? Never mind. Just shut your mouth and touch the TV."_

"What's in it for me?"

_"Unlimited power?"_

"Booring," I scoffed, perking up a bit after having gotten used to the agony plaguing my head.

_"The potential to see the truth?"_

"I'd rather turn into a grotesque, purplish-black monster if I'm honest," I shrugged.

_"What will make you touch the screen then?" _The voice demanded impatiently.

"If you promise to go away and let me sleep, I'll try and stick my whole head in the TV."

So I did.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It didn't take long for the gossipping to begin when the final bell rang and the teacher left us to tidy the classroom and go home.

"Hanging upside down? Isn't that dangerous?"

"Duh, how can it be dangerous if she was dead?"

"Do you think it was some sort of execution ritual? There were a lot of cults last year..."

"According to the seniors, it was third-year Saki Konishi who discovered the body..."

"What?" Pervsuke slammed his hands down upon his desk, his face dominated by rage. "You're assuming things of my beloved wifey?"

"Actually," the fourth speaker totally snubbed the male and continued conversing with her friends. "I watched that channel last night, and I thought that I saw..."

"Don't ignore me!" He hollered. "If you talk bad about her, you talk bad about me too!"

"Like we care, Hanamura," another boy rolled his eyes. "Geez, Konishi-senpai must really love you a lot if she neglected to tell you that she wasn't coming to school today. I saw you, waiting out on the roof like some puppy dog that'd been kicked when you realised that she wasn't joining you on your lunch date."

"It wasn't a date!" Pervsuke responded defiantly. "I was keeping the wall warm for the pigeons!"

I had my mind set on leaving at that moment, but Chie's ninja reflexes prevented me from doing so. Grabbing my arm, she hauled me back over to the desks.

"So, did you check it out?" She grinned like a madwoman.

"Check what out?" I asked.

"You know..." Her voice became hushed. "The Idnight-may Annel-chay?"

"Oh, that."

"You guys talking about the Midnight Channel?" A dejected Pervsuke retreated to his seat and folded his arms across his chest. "I saw it last night, sure. There was a girl on it, but I couldn't quite make out her face. She had curly brown hair though."

"Oh my God," Chie gasped. "That's what I saw too! A girl with curly brown hair! But then that means... My soul mate's a girl who isn't Yukiko?" Now she was looking rather dejected.

"Wait, if we saw the same girl..." The male's brow furrowed. "That means... Holy crap! Threesomes?!" Luckily for him, Chie was too busy lamenting the fact that Yukiko was not her destined partner to deliver a round-house kick to his nads.

"Whatever, my story's way more interesting," I yawned.

"So you did try it out?" Chie blinked at me.

"I was kinda forced to..."

"Oh. But what happened to you then?"

"Please make it a foursome, please make it a foursome, please make it a foursome!" Pervsuke began chanting under his breath.

"Nothing really," I lied. As if I'd confide in them about the annoying voice inside my head.

"Oh, by the way Yosuke, can we stop by Junes on the way home? I wanna check out what TVs they've got on sale, we need a new one at home," Chie smiled

"Please make it a four-- Uhhh, sure, I guess?" He frowned, scratching the back of his head. "Soujiko-chan, you gonna come too?"

"No, I have much better things to do than hang out with you two," I sniffed haughtily.

"You can always accompany me home to the Amagi Inn, Soujiko-chan," Yuki-bot suddenly appeared out of nowhere and prodded me.

"Gah!" I screamed, backing away from the pale girl. "No, I'd rather stick my head inside the TV again!"

Everyone in the classroom turned to stare at me in either confusion or fear. I had to think fast.

"Oh, it's just a city saying," I grinned sheepishly, waving both hands to further dissuade them from believing that I was a lunatic. "My friends and I used to say it all the time."

*-*-*-*-*

I don't know how it happened, but I ended up being dragged along to Junes by Chie and Yosuke. The three of us were in the TV department, which was fairly quiet for a Thursday afternoon. The others were busy discussing high definition and mega pixels, so I decided to stand in front of the largest television on display.

_Hmmm, I wonder if I can put more than just my head in this time, _I pondered to myself, lightly tapping the screen with a finger. Ripples spawned from my touch, and the entire panel turned grey. I leaned forward, the ripples growing larger as my arm slipped inside the television. On the other side I could feel a pulling sensation, as if it were a giant vacuum cleaner and I was a stubborn dust bunny.

"Holy crap, what're you doing?" Pervsuke suddenly squealed.

"Oh, this? I got bored," I explained, "so I thought I'd jump inside this television."

"Wow, that's a sweet feature!" The oblivious Chie Satonaka stared at the electronic device in awe. "Does it have high definition too?"

"You idiot!" Pervsuke seethed. "No television on this planet has a feature where you can jump inside!"

"Are you done? I was about to shove my head in before you rudely interrupted me," I sighed.

"What the? Dammit, it's too big of a shock for me, and now I need to pee!"

"Ew, that's gross Yosuke!"

"Shit! There's no time to go- there's a customer on the way! I'll hold it in!" Pervsuke clutched at his crotch, bending his knees inward and hopping around like a demented rabbit. "Soujiko-chan, get your arm outta there!"

"No," I smiled sweetly and thrust my head inside the television. "Ooooh, it's pretty spacious in here. They've got a waterfall and everything!"

"Shit, it's leaking, it's leaking!" I heard his whine from outside.

"You're so disgusting!" Chie yelled, and suddenly I felt something slam into my legs, knocking me off balance. Like Alice and her rabbit hole, I found myself descending towards an unknown realm that held a menagerie of mysteries and wonders. Unlike Alice and her rabbit hole, there were two idiots falling beside me who were screaming as if we were heading towards our impending doom. I doubted that Alice landed right on her coccyx when she tumbled into Wonderland either. Pervsuke didn't get a better deal when Chie landed on top of him; poor Pervsuke, the only girl who would ever straddle him was actually a lesbian.

"Well, at least we don't have to listen to the dumb Junes music here." I remarked, trying to distinguish where we had landed through the thick layer of fog that swamped the area.

"Where the Hell are we?" Pervsuke shoved Chie off his lap and got to his feet. "It's so foggy!"

"Well spied, Captain Obvious," I quipped, awaiting the dumb question from my fellow female that was sure to follow.

"You mean we're not in Junes any more?" Chie asked with a worried tone in her voice.

"No Chie, we're not in Junes." I replied. "Damn my ass hurts."

"Aren't you going to ask us if we're okay?" Sniffed Pervsuke. "After all, it's your fault that we're here!"

"Um, no it's not. I was pushed," I pointed out. "So whoever bumped into me is to blame."

"Chie!"

"Yosuke, it's your fault! You were the one being disgusting and telling us that your ding-dong was leaking!"

"Soujiko-chan was the one talking about waterfalls and stuff! Dammit, I need to pee again!" Pervsuke grabbed his crotch with both hands and began to do a silly jig. Therefore, it was nigh time to carry out a full investigation of this place.

"Go find a corner or something," I instructed the male. "Chie and I are going to take a better look around. There's gotta be a way out."

"No way, something might pop out and bite me!"

"Holy crap, you're such a pansy. Then again, with a surname like yours, what's a girl to expect?"

"Wait, so if we're not in Junes, where are we?" Chie frowned.

"Satonaka, for this mission I require your silence," I patted her on the shoulder. "If you find anything interesting, just stay quiet and wait for me."

With any luck, I would locate the exit and then leave the two of them to wander around like idiots until they killed each other, or were killed by Pervsuke's ding-dong eating monsters. Sadly, this was not the case as the boy suddenly began hollering at me from afar.

"Hey! You better come here quick! I found something interesting!"

"Geez! You weren't even part of the Search Team!" Chie stomped a foot on the ground, but we quickly rushed over to where Pervsuke (Pansymura) stood.

"What did you find?"

"Look," he pointed towards the Heavens, or where the Heavens usually were. For all we knew, we could have been in a topsy-turvy dimension where North led to Hell. Perhaps it was Hell that we stood in, but the presence of the cameras and lights proved this to be unlikely. Or did it?

"Shit," I sighed. "Don't tell me that this is one of those shows where a presenter jumps out from nowhere and tells us that it's all a prank."

"Like MTV?"

"Oooh, am I gonna be on MTV? I love MTV! Those programs that tell you the best way to cook steak always make me so hungry that I have to go to Souzai Daigaku straight after!"

"Chie, MTV don't show programs about meat," Pervsuke groaned.

"Yeah they do! MTV- Meat TV! What did you think I was talking about?"

I had to resist the urge to slam my palm against my forehead. Instead, I concentrated on absorbing my surroundings, now that the fog had mysteriously cleared somewhat.

"A-anyway. You think that there's something odd about this place?" Pervsuke asked me, having now realised the magnitude of Chie's stupidity.

"Aside from the fact that it's completely deserted and enshrouded with a dense mist, not really," I sighed. "I mean, there're cameras, but no crew around to operate them- not that you'd probably be able to see much in this weather. That's another thing: weather. It feels like we're inside, but there's still all this fog."

"Do you get the feeling that you're being watched?"

"Not really," I shrugged, inspecting my fingernails. "I am kinda hungry though."

"I found something!" An enthusiastic Chie suddenly bounded towards us from the fog (I hadn't even realised that she had wandered off). "Over there, there's this passageway that leads to what looks like a block of apartments!"

"Really? And you didn't think to throw yourself off the balcony?" I deliberately laced my tone with as much seriousness as I could muster.

"Don't be stupid, that's suicide."

"Right, I forgot that you're our resident genius."

"Hey- where there's apartments, there's sure to be a bathroom!" Chirped Pervsuke.

"Because monsters really respect their victim's privacy," I sighed, getting impatient with the both of them. "They're hardly not going to assault you just because there's a door in the way and you're looking like a fool with your pants on the ground."

Unfortunately, when we entered the only unlocked apartment in the building, there were no bathrooms in sight. We stood within a room occupied by a single bed and a pot plant, with an eerie yellow light streaming through the large window overlooking the fog-filled world below. Pervsuke took out his phone to inspect the signal - at least I thought he did.

"I gotta take a picture to put on Facebook," he grinned, his thumb hammering the capture button at an alarming rate. "Hey wait a second," the boy frowned, inspecting his snapshots. "Why is there blood on the walls?"

"Oh my God!" Chie shrieked, Pervsuke to all but jump on top of me in fright. "It's a chair!" The girl indicated to a simple wooden seat opposite the door.

"More importantly, there's no other exit," I said, wandering over to it and sitting down.

"Shit! I can't hold it any longer!" Pervsuke suddenly announced, returning to his Michael Jackson impersonation and hopping on the spot. "My bladder's gonna explode I need to pee so bad!" He stared at each of us in turn. Neither Chie nor myself responded to the desperation within his eyes, so the boy decided to run to the nearest corner and unzip his trousers.

"Yosuke, what're you doing?" Asked Chie, more out of curiosity than disgust.

"I gotta let it out before I piss my pants!"

"Here?"

"There is a plant over there, if you don't want it to leave a puddle," I reminded him.

"Turn around you guys!" He ignored my helpful advice. "I can't go when you're watching."

"Wow, you're like my mom!" Chie gasped in awe. "She has eyes in the back of her head too!"

"Idiot," I groaned, a little peeved that she had unintentionally stolen my next quip and ruined it with her stupidity. "Just close your eyes, and open them again when you're told."

"Rrgh," the boy groaned. "Now I can't go. It's your fault if my bladder bursts!"

"Like I give a damn," the brown haired female sniffed.

"Don't stand near me," I murmured as Pervsuke pulled up his zipper and turned around in less than a nano-second. Fortunately, there was not much for me to see in that miniscule amount of time, and my virgin eyes remained untainted.

"Anyways, this room is kinda weird," pointed out Chie. "The posters all have their faces cut out. It's obvious that someone only bought them because they liked the hair."

"Dude," Pervsuke's voice trembled as he stood in front of me. "You might wanna get off that chair."

"Why?" I asked. "Is there a ding-dong eating monster behind it?"

"What? No! Look up!"

I followed his instructions and tilted my head back, reclining on the chair so that only two legs remained on the floor.

"Hm. That's a nice scarf," I smiled up at the fabric that had been tied to the light fixture in a noose-like manner before leaning forward and getting to my feet. "If someone had killed themselves in here there'd be a body."

"W-what if the monsters ate it?" Chie trembled.

"Let's get out of here. Chie's thinking rationally, and it's starting to creep me out," I announced, taking the lead and striding back towards the area in which we had landed.

"Hey..." Pervsuke panted, having had to run in order to catch up with me. "You know those posters? I think I've seen them somewhere."

"Congrats, I don't care," I smiled sweetly at him.

"Wait, shouldn't we let Chie catch up?"

"It's not as if this place is big," I said. "She's a ninja anyway. Pops out from nowhere and--"

"Guys, I don't feel so good..."

"Told you," I nodded smugly, as Chie appeared _in front_ of us, clutching her stomach. "What's wrong with you? Cramps?"

"Oh, she gets like that when she hasn't seen Yukiko or eaten steak for over an hour," Pervsuke told me. "But now that you mention it... My body feels pretty heavy too."

I wondered if it was the oppressive atmosphere of the entire fog-filled place, but my contemplation was cut short by a very girlish scream that didn't belong to Chie.

"Aaaaaah! It's the ding-dong monster!" He wailed, waving a finger at a silhouette with no discernable shape. "Now Saki-senpai will never marry me! I'm doomed!"

"Shut up, will you? I've had about enough of your crap," I elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

"Wait," Chie tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention. "It's coming closer. What is it? A monkey? A bear? Steak?"

"That's what I wanna know," the creature was close enough for us to make out amidst the dense fog. "Who are you guys?"

"It talked!" Gasped Chie.

"No shit," I frowned. "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a bear," the bear said. "Can't you tell? I know it's foggy, but sheesh."

"Not my fault you've got an ambiguous character design," was my response, but the bear was quick to counter.

"Says you! I can see that the one on your left is a girl, and the one on the right is a boy, but you... I dunno what you are!"

"Do you wanna fight?" Chie assumed a fairly lame martial arts pose that she most likely spent hours practising in front of a mirror. "I'm warning you, if you come any closer!"

"Don't yell at me!" The bear thing cowered behind its paws. "I'm not a monster..."

"What is this place, anyway?" A somewhat calm Pervsuke queried.

"It doesn't have a name. I live here by myself. But if I were you, I'd hurry back to the other side. Someone's been throwing people in here!"

"We weren't thrown in," Chie was also a lot more sedate. "We fell."

"I dunno who it is, but it's making me really mad!" Snarled the bear, staring accusingly at me after having ignored the other girl.

"Don't look at me, I was pushed."

"Wait a second- someone's been throwing people _inside _the TV?" Pervsuke frowned in disbelief.

"I can't take it any more!" Chie suddenly exploded. "Who are you, where are we? What is the meaning of life?!" She threw her hands up in the air in desperation, a gesture which obviously terrified the bear and caused it to squelch (that was the sound its feet made as he moved) over to me, using my body as a barrier between itself and the steak-deprived ninja.

"I already told you," it sighed. "It's forty two."

"Wait, which question is that the answer to?" Chie scratched her head in confusion.

"Anyway, you should get back."

"Like we want to spend another minute here," I snorted. "No offense, but I'm starting to get hungry."

"Oooh, can we--"

"No Chie."

"Aww..."

"We dunno how to get outta here, dammit! We dunno where the frickin' exit is!" Pervsuke exclaimed, causing the bear to flinch and cower behind me again. I hoped that it wouldn't get attached and do something creepy, like hump my legs or whatever bears did.

"That's why I said I'd let you out!" It protested.

"No, you didn't."

"Do you wanna be let out or not?" The bear glared up at me.

"You have a point," I shrugged. The bear straightened, stepping back two paces and stomping a foot twice on the floor. There was a huge cloud of smoke that engulfed the area where I stood, clearing to reveal three televisions stacked on top of one another.

"Oh my God, he turned the new kid into a TV!"

"I do have a name you know," I sighed, stepping out from behind the screens and standing between my fellow students. This gave the bear the opportunity to dart out (squelch squelch squelch) and begin shoving us against the lowest one in the stack.

"Go go go! I'm a busy bear!" It yelled, as I felt something squeeze my butt. Before I had a chance to knock the stuffing out of the peculiar being, it was out of Wonderland and back to reality. There was a whooshing sound, like that of a large articulated lorry speeding through a tunnel, and then the abomination of the Junes theme filled the air.

"Are... We?"

"Did we make it back?"

"_Attention shoppers!"_ A cheery voice echoed from the speakers, thankfully drowning out the awful music. _"We've got a sale on at the part of the store that's not the electronics department! Everyone go get the lovely, pesticide-ridden produce that Junes paid some layabout to pick for you last summer, and that has been rotting in our stock room for weeks on end! Why not try some as your side dish tonight? All ages are invited to take part in this incredible bargain! Mmmm-mmm! Remember, Junes is not responsible for any illness caused by our products! Have a wonderful day!"_

"Awww, it wasn't Saki-senpai's voice..." Pervsuke groaned. "But holy crap, it's that time already?"

"Stayed up past your bed time?" I quirked a brow.

"N-no!" He shook his head adamantly. "It's just that well... We were in there for a while. Hey, wait a sec... You know that poster we saw? Look over there!"

We followed the direction in which he was pointing with our eyes. Affixed to the wall was a poster depicting a woman clad in a kimono, her dark hair tied back in a bun.

"Yukiko?" Chie gasped. "No wait, it's just that singer whose husband had the affair with the announcer lady who got killed." (Chie's brain obviously wasn't very good at absorbing names.)

"Hmmm," Pervsuke pondered aloud. "Could what we saw in that place have something to do with the death? Now that I think about it... That noose... It was so creepy and... Gaah! Let's not talk about this."

"Uh, you were the one who brought it up," I said.

"... I'm gonna wipe everything we saw from my brain. I don't think my heart can take much more."

"I'm feeling a chill too..." Sighed Chie.

"In your head? That's probably because there's nothing in there," I sighed.

"Let's go home," she whined. "I just wanna lie down and rest."

*-*-*-*-*

It was strange to see Dojima and Nanako sitting around the table when I eventually made it back to their house (I refused to accept it as my home, because it was more like a hovel). I slumped down upon the vacant cushion, my body feeling weirdly sluggish and lethargic. Despite feeling like utter shit, I noticed that there were only two pots of instant ramen on the table, and that there was no evidence of any having been purchased for me.

"Um... Uh... Soujiko? You mind if I call you Soujiko, or Souji?"

"Souji's fine," I shrugged, feeling my tummy rumble as the scent of almost-ready noodles wafted through the air.

"Okay, Souji," he smiled awkwardly. I wondered what had happened to the stern, gruff male who had manhandled his sub-ordinate and brushed me off the previous day. "Hmmm... I doubt you'd know, but have you heard anything about a girl named Saki Konishi?"

"Let me think..." I tapped the bottom of my chin. "She works at Junes, she's a Taurus, and her hobbies include taking Print Club pictures, going for motorcycle rides and being pointy. She looks good in an apron, and she wears no underwear when she goes to bed. I could give you more, but you're already looking at me as if I'm a stalker. I swear, I didn't want to know it either," I cringed, having learnt all this information from Pervsuke on our journeys to and from Junes whilst Chie sang about steak.

"Right... To be honest, we got a call from her family. She's disappeared. We've got people looking for her, but..."

"Have you tried looking in Yosuke Hanamura's closet?"

"Who?" Dojima frowned.

"Never mind. It's best you didn't tell him, else he'd have a fit of some sort and I'd be responsible for his suicide."

"Well, she hasn't been found yet..." He sighed. I was supposed to be alarmed at that point, but I was too hungry to co-operate with the script. "Gah, work just keeps piling up..."

The television suddenly burst into life, as if it had been waiting for our conversation to end before showing the rest of the news. Mayumi Yamano dead, blah blah blah... The Amagi Inn? Now, where had I heard that name before?

_"Now for the pervert report!" _The newsreader declared. I stared at my uncle and cousin, who were tucking into their noodles. Nanako caught me drooling over the food and stuck out her tongue, deliberately taking her time to consume every individual strand and smacking her lips upon finishing each mouthful. If Dojima hadn't been there, I would have given her the finger.

_"I'm here at the town-famous Amagi Inn where the manager's teenage daughter will be taking over in the spring! If you go into the hot springs at about 11pm on a Wednesday night, you can catch glimpses of her bathing! But if the rumours are true, then she'll be one of the youngest managers on record!"_

_"And now for the weather," _the first man began. _"The rain is beginning to subside, but from now until morning there will be a lot of thick fog- perfect weather for hanging bodies upside down on telephone poles!"_

Was I the only one who was slightly disturbed by the news?

"By the way, there's some old wasabi in the fridge, if you want to lick that before you go to bed," Dojima informed me as he finished his meal. "I forgot that three people live here now, so I didn't get you anything."

"Thanks," I mumbled, rising to my feet and sneezing.

"Are you sick?" He glanced up in my direction, frowning. "Nanako, go get Souji some medicine."

"With pleasure Dad," she grinned innocently, though a devious glint lurked within her eyes.

"You should get to bed after you take it. It's probably so past its use-by date that you'll pass out, and I don't want to have to drive you to the hospital if you bump your head. I need some booze."

"Whatever," I waved a hand dismissively. "I'll pass on the medicine- you never know when you'll need it for Nanako-chan." (What I meant was: "Your daughter is bound to be spiking it with something or other as we speak, so it's only fair that she reaps what she sows!", but I felt that my uncle wouldn't take that too well. After all, Nanako was usually on her best behaviour when he was around.)

"Okay, if you're sure," Dojima nodded. "Don't forget the wasabi though- don't want your mother thinking that I'm not feeding you properly."

*-*-*-*-*

The rain was still happily plummeting down from the heavens when I awoke the next day, but I was more concerned about the fact that Dojima still hadn't gotten me the correct uniform as I trudged down the stairs in order to sit at the table and watch them eat again. However, my uncle was on his feet, coat slung over one shoulder and heading to the door.

"Ah, you're up. Still dressing like a guy, I see."

"If I had the right uniform then I wouldn't have to," I sighed. "Look, if you can't afford it I'm more than happy to--"

"Fine, I'll get you a proper set today. Well, I'm off," he said in exasperation, leaving without another word.

"Bye Dad!" Nanako smiled after him, and then smirked evilly up at me. "He won't be back until later, so it's just you and me before we go to school... You might have escaped last night, but you might not be so lucky next time..."

_Why is everyone in this town a psycho?_ I thought, collecting my bag and umbrella and hastily exiting the building.

As I strode across the flood plain (which was living up to its name beneath the descending torrent), two girls were idly standing in the middle of the path gossiping about something or other. Deliberately slowing my pace down, I caught several snippets of their conversation.

"I saw like, three police cars, like, zoom by!" The female carrying a red umbrella began.

"You live by the police station, right? Did you hear anything?" Her friend, sporting an umbrella identical to mine, asked.

"Uhhh... Someone yelling at someone else to get him a coffee, but nothing more. Total disappointment," the first girl sighed.

"Geez! You get the opportunity to have a speaking part, and that's all you have to say?"

"Hello, I said I saw three cars, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but that's totally boring! My career as a talking NPC is totally over because of you!"

Getting tired of their screeching, I decided to head to school. Morning classes were as monotonous as they had been for the past two days, yet the lunchtime ennui was broken by the announcement that we were to have an assembly instead of our typical afternoon classes.

Obviously Yasogami High wasn't as well-off as previous schools that I'd been to, because we were forced to stand up in the assembly hall. Chie and Pervsuke managed to shove their way to the front, dragging me along with them. God forbid that people thought we were friends, so I kept as low a profile as I possibly could. The headmaster was already on stage.

"I thought Dumbledore died in the sixth book," I frowned at the elderly man on the wooden platform. "Obviously not."

"Gee, thanks for the spoiler," Pervsuke glared at me.

"Shut up Ron."

"Hey, I'm not ginger!"

"Were's Yukiko?" Whined Chie, whose only similarity to Hermione Granger was that they both had brown hair. "She said she'd be here after lunch!"

"Maybe she's gotten rusty because of all the rain," I remarked to myself.

"Yosuke, you okay?" Chie asked the boy, who was looking rather anxious about something.

"Oh... Saki-senpai didn't reply to my text about baby names last night..." He sighed sadly. "I worked so hard picking them out, too!"

"Quiet everyone," Yasogami's answer to Cleopatra appeared behind the podium. "The assembly's about to begin. First, the principal has something to say."

Dumbledore traipsed over to where she stood, standing behind the microphone and clearing his throat.

"I regret to say that one of our students has passed away."

"Passed away?" Chie whispered. "What does that mean?"

"Ms. Saki Konishi of Class 3 was found deceased early this morning."

I glanced to Pervsuke, who looked as if he had been kicked in the nuts multiple times by an entire soccer team. Oh well.

"The police are in the area investigating the circumstances behind the death. If they ask you to co-operate, I implore you to mention only the facts. The faculty have told me that no bullying was involved. All right, calm down everyone. You can gossip about the student in your classrooms."

"Found dead? How could this happen?" Asked Chie.

I felt it inappropriate to give her my answer (even I had respect for the dead). I even felt somewhat obliged not to make any jokes regarding Pervsuke's condition, which was verging on that of despair. Chie tugged on my arm, silently telling me to leave him alone. I complied, following the steak monster through the corridors and back towards our classroom. The two gossiping girls from earlier were stationed by the student notice board, unable to resist a little chin-wag before they separated.

"So, she died in the same way as that announcer, right?"

"Like yeah. Talk about creepy! Last time it was from an antenna, this time it was from a telephone pole! It's gotta be a serial murder case!"

"Cereal?" Whispered Chie, clutching her stomach. "What?"

"Shh! I can't hear the NPCs contributing to the plot!" I hissed.

"Someone said it was some unknown poison!"

"Um, this is a mystery, not a sci-fi," the second girl scolded the first. "Ohhh, by the way- did you hear that someone saw a girl that looked like Saki on that Midnight Channel thingie? They said she totally looked like she was in pain. Isn't that scary?"

"Haha, sounds like someone had a nightmare," her friend laughed nervously. "Maybe they were obsessed with Saki like that Hanamura kid is and had her on the brain?"

"That sounds painful," remarked Chie as they walked off. "Having someone on your brain."

"You'd never know," I replied dryly.

"Hey," Pervsuke approached us, still in a state of shock. "I've been thinking... Soujiko-chan, would you mind if I started stalking you to get over my grief?"

"My uncle's a cop- do you really think it's a good idea?"

"So that's a no?" He looked forlorn. "Oh well... By the way... Did you two watch the Midnight Channel last night?"

"No, I was too busy being offered laxatives and wasabi," I sighed.

"Yosuke, shouldn't you be crying your eyes out?" Chie's face was scrunched up with confusion. "Saki-senpai died, and you spent all that time coming up with baby names!"

"Just shut up and listen for a sec! I finished reading my porn magazine, so I thought I'd re-watch a DVD or two and accidentally caught the Midnight Channel. I saw a girl on the screen who looked like my darling Saki-senpai..."

"Oh my gosh!" Chie gasped. I said nothing, wondering how long this was going to take, as I needed to use the bathroom.

"Babycakes looked like... She was writhing in pain," Pervsuke continued. "And then, before I had a chance to reach into my drawer, she disappeared from the screen."

"What?" Again, Chie was the only one to react.

"You know what those girls were talking about? About how my angel's body was found upside down like that announcer's? What if it's connected? You remember what you heard about that guy who was excited about his soul mate being the announcer? Maybe... Just maybe... But..."

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? Pretending to be dramatic and stuff. Hurry it along, already. It's getting boring," I sighed, becoming impatient.

"What I'm trying to say is... What if Ms. Yamano was on that Midnight Channel before she died too?"

"Ahahahahahahaha!" Chie laughed loudly and raucously. "That's hilarious! People go on that TV show and die? No-one would ever sign up for that!"

"Listen. Something's telling me that I can't just dismiss this as coincidence."

"Oh, you hear voices in your head too? I thought it was the lack of city fumes," I frowned.

"Do you remember what that bear thing said? About us getting out of there because he was busy? How someone's been throwing people in there? Those posters in that room... Don't you think there's some kind of connection? Couldn't that word in the TV have something to do with the announcer and my honey-bun's death!? What do you think?"

"I'm thinking that I have to go to the little girl's room. Excuse me."

"Wait!" Pervsuke grabbed my arm and dragged me back. "You'll come with me, right? Back into the TV world, to see if we can find a place related to Saki's death too!"

"Sure, if you let me go pee in peace," I nodded.

"Sorry," he sighed. "You're the only one who can help me."

Geez, talk about inconvenient. Why me?


	4. IFMAAIGWTLP

This is taking almost as long as it does in the game. XD The poll for the sports team is still up, so vote there for whether want to see Soujiko mocking Kou or Daisuke. n_n Hope you like this chapter. :3 It was a pain to write. XD

* * *

**Chapter 4: I Faced Myself And All I Got Was This Lousy Persona**

"Damn, you look inconspicuous," I said dryly to the boy who was standing in the middle of the electronics department brandishing a giant metal golf club - not to mention that there was a thick rope tied about his waist.

"You guys came!" He winked. It was if he had miraculously gotten over Saki's death, the way he was grinning at us.

"Well yeah," I frowned. "I'm not a totally heartless bitch. 'Sides," I pointed a finger in Chie's direction. "Einstein here said that you can't get in the TV without me."

"Einstein? No, I'm Chie," the girl said patronisingly. "It's okay though New Kid, you're still getting used to it here!"

"Don't put me on your level of stupid!" I snapped. "I know your name is Chie! My name is Soujiko. Sou-ji-ko!"

"Hellooo? Waiting to jump inside the TV?" Pervsuke waved the item between us to remind us of the reason why we were there.

"Right," I frowned. "Chie, make yourself useful. Go home."

"Wait!" Pervsuke shoved the golf club in my face. "She needs to stay here to hold the rope so we don't get lost!"

"Oh, silly me," I pretended to slap my forehead with a palm. "Does she have to be the one who holds it? She'll probably mistake it for spaghetti or something..."

"Look, I don't want her here either, but we haven't got a choice. Hopefully I'm right in thinking that this TV will take us to that place with the weird bear, but just in case I'm not and we_ don't _find him..."

"Fine, fine," I relented. "Hear that, Chie? You've got to hold on to the rope. Don't let it go, no matter how hard it pulls, okay?"

"Pfft, I can do that!" She grinned, taking the remainder of the thick cord from Pervsuke. "Easy! I'll just stand here pretending I'm watching the fishing channel, so no-one will think I'm doing anything weird!"

"By the way, if we don't find that bear and we get stranded in that place? I'm not afraid to resort to cannibalism," I informed Pervsuke, who paled instantly. "I'm kidding, sheesh," I rolled my eyes to the side and approached the wide screen TV, tapping the glass in order to ensure that we could still pass through it. Luckily, it still worked.

"Remember Chie, you're in charge of the rope," Pervsuke nodded.

"Huh? What rope?"

"The thing looped over your arm, dumbass. We're going in with it tied around me, so like Soujiko-chan said... Don't let go of it. Wait here."

"Aye aye Captain!" She saluted, the coils falling to the floor no sooner had she relaxed her arm.

"It's a lifeline. It's very important," I sighed exasperatedly, racking my brains for something that she would understand. "Like on that millionaire game show. Without lifelines, you're screwed."

"Oh, I see now," she nodded enthusiastically, her face aglow with pride.

"By the way, I forgot," Pervsuke began, turning to face me. "This is for you." He indicated to the golf club in his right hand. "I'm a sidekick- we can't fall down holes and carry sports equipment at the same time."

"No, you're just a lazy ass," another sigh made its way past my lips as I claimed the heavy object from him. Were these people trying to make a point of my pitiful, girlie strength?

"Are we ready?" Pervsuke nudged me.

"Yeah, let's go. Remember Chie. Don't. Let. Go."

"Sheesh, you guys can trust me!" She snorted.

Pervsuke and I headed over to the television. I clambered in first, causing the ripples to appear once again. The male followed quickly after, and once again we spiralled down, down, down, into the TV world...

"Owww..." Groaned Pervsuke, as we were thrown into the realm of the television as unceremoniously as the first time we visited. "My coccyx..."

"Suck it up," I frowned, glancing around for signs of the bear. "Nice belt, by the way."

"Huh?" He blinked, twisting and turning in order for his eyes to follow the length of the rope trailing from his waist. "Oh shit! I forgot! They've got a sale on steak today!"

I didn't know who to be more angry with - Chie, for being so stupidly gluttonous, or Pervsuke for being forgetful in his haste to play sidekick. Since he was there, I attempted to whack him in the shins with the golf club, but he evaded the attack.

"Hey hey hey! There's no need for that! I'm sorry, okay?" He cried, moving several feet away from me before fiddling with the knot. "But that aside, it seems like we're in the same place. I was right. They are connected."

"Shame, I forgot to bring my pack of gold stars with me," I pursed my lips. "Just like someone forgetting that Chie's brain only has two brain cells- one that revolves around steak, and one that revolves around Yukiko."

"Haha," he forced a laugh. "You're so funny, Soujiko-chan. Are you sure you don't want to be my new stalkee? I promise, I won't start peeping at you in the shower until you're ready, honey."

"Say that again, and I'll give your nose something to bleed about," I growled, my face dark with malice as I struck the floor with the head of the golf club to show him that I wasn't joking.

"Y-you guys!" Gasped a familiar, irritating voice. "Why'd you come back?" Squelch, squeak, squelch.

"Isn't it obvious? We loved it here so much the first time, we decided to relocate."

"Where's the other one?" It asked, ignoring my quip. "There were three of you before... Ohhh, I get it!" It exclaimed. "You're the ones who've been throwing people in here, and you decided to throw that girl you were with in here too once I told you about it!"

"If only..."

"Wait, what?" Pervsuke spluttered. "What the hell are you on about?"

"Mmmhmm, mmmhmm," the creature nodded. "Lately, I can tell that people have been thrown in here. It's making this world more and more messed up. This is the second time you've come here, and I don't think anyone forced you to either. So, you're the most suspicious!" It pointed at me. Stupid bear - did it not realise what pain I was able to deal out with a heavy, metal pole with an iron lump at the end of it?

"You've got it all wrong!" Protested my fellow human.

"Rawr!" The bear growled angrily, sounding more like a parrot with a sore throat than a menacing grizzly. I was so tempted, so, so tempted to hit it with the golf club... But Pervsuke was insistent on being diplomatic with the strange creature.

"Hold it Soujiko-chan. What're you talking about, 'throwing people in'? If someone was thrown in here and they couldn't get out, they'd die stupid! Do we look like killers? W-wait a second..."

"Sorry Yosuke, we haven't got enough time for you to explain the plot in your vague, theoretical way," I grimaced. "Like I said in the last chapter, it gets boring when you try to be dramatic. But yeah, I agree."

"What're you mumbling about?" The bear asked impatiently. "Why're you here, anyways? There aren't any houses for sale here, so I know you're lying! Besides! It's a one-way door! Once you come in, you can't get out! Remember? I had to let you guys out?"

"Yeah, and you were so helpful that we're just gonna ask you to do it again, once we're done investigating," I smiled.

"No! That's my job!" It stomped a foot on the floor. "I've lived here for a long time, but it's never been this noisy. Do you have proof that you're not the ones throwing people in?"

"Mmhm, it's called my fist and your face."

"Soujiko-chan... You're making it worse! Listen you, people have died in our world. When it gets really foggy, a dead body shows up. We're serious about this!" Pervsuke said to the bear.

"A dead body?"

"Oh God, don't tell me we've got another Chie on our hands."

"Hmmm... I know that when it's foggy on your side, the fog lifts here... That's when the Shadows come out and get really violent!" It nodded as best as it could without a neck. "Aaah, I get it... Now I know for sure that you guys did it!"

"Damn, I'm sick of this idiot using fail logic to accuse us of something we didn't do." I muttered to Pervsuke. "Do something to shut it up, like uh... Rip its head off."

"Right," the boy nodded. "Okay you, time to see your true face beneath that costume!" He made for the bear, grabbing the creature's head and tugging hard. There was an almighty popping noise and Pervsuke fell backwards, straight onto his butt. I didn't care, however - I was more alarmed by the fact that there was nothing inside the bear. It was completely hollow.

"What the hell are you?" Pervsuke gasped, rubbing his sore butt with a hand. The body stumbled forward, stubby hands searching for its missing piece. Once it had located the head, it placed it back into position with no difficulty whatsoever.

"You didn't have to rip my head off," it frowned. "Fine, I'll believe you guys - for now. In return, you've gotta help me find the guy who did all this."

"What makes you so sure that its a guy?"

"Because it's always a guy!"

"That told you," Pervsuke smirked.

"Shut up. You're forgetting which one of us is armed here."

"You have to promise me, else I won't let you out!" The bear declared, triumphant that it had forced us into co-operation. "Now say yes, else I'll start crying in five seconds! If you thought my voice was annoying already, just wait until you hear me cry!"

"Hold on, hold on!" I waved a hand. "Wait one second... I'm having a flashback from Chapter One."

_"Blah blah blah, misfortune,"_ the voice of the nasally-endowed troll from the limousine echoed within my mind. _"Blah blah blah tragedy."_

"Okay, I'm done," I nodded. "You were saying?"

"I was gonna ask what we should do," frowned Pervsuke. "Are you still gonna start crying, or can we get on with things?" The bear merely snivelled in response to his question.

"Look, if we want to get out of here we've got no choice," I sighed. "Guess we'll have to play Scooby-Doo for a bit."

"Heheh, suckers," the red and blue apparition snickered to itself.

"Damn bear, practically holding a gun to our heads..."

"Idiot, that was Persona 3," I elbowed Pervsuke in the ribs.

"Ow... Why're you so abusive?" He groaned, and turned to address the bear. "It is true what we said about coming here to figure stuff out. So far, we're completely in the dark... Ah, well, we might as well introduce ourselves. I'm Yosuke Hanamura, and this is my buddy Soujiko Seta."

"Apparently I'm unable to speak for myself," I smiled, slightly peeved that Pervsuke had referred to me as an associate of his but not allowing my body language to allude to this. "What do we call you?"

"Teddie." Even Pervsuke shared my mental 'facepalm!' moment.

"Figures," he grimaced. "So, how do we start this investigation."

"Dunno," Teddie shrugged nonchalantly. "But I know where the last person came in! Oh, and just so you know, I didn't stand there drinking beer whilst she was dying. Nope, that was some other bear."

"The last person? My beloved?"

"'My Beloved'? That's an even stupider name for a girl than Soujiko!" Teddie scoffed. "But I'll take you there if you want. Heheh, I found some cheap, imported alcohol! Oh, but one thing first. For some reason, I made you each a pair of glasses and hid them inside my butt until you came back." He handed us two very different sets of eye-wear and waited for our reaction. Admittedly, they were pretty damn good.

"Woah, it's like night and day!" Pervsuke remarked in awe.

"Except there's no sun, no moon, and it still smells of old socks in here," I frowned, staring down at the floor. "Did a whole bunch of people try to hurl themselves at the bullseye?" I asked, indicating to the bodies outlined on what appeared to be a target. "Wow, and I thought I had crap aim."

"Anyway, you'll be able to walk through the fog without getting sick if you wear those," Teddie nodded. "Now that we're all friends, let's go celebrate with some booze! You guys can defend yourselves if any monsters show up, right?"

"I've got a golf club," I said, swinging the object for good measure before glancing to Pervsuke.

"Oh, I've got some medicine. I forgot to give it to you Soujiko-chan," he reached into his pocket and brought out a tube of ointment and a box of pain killers.

"Screw her, what about my hangover?" Teddie screeched, darting forward and swiping the items before I had a chance to take them.

"Great, our tour guide is an alcoholic," I groaned. "Ah well, at least no-one will see my panties when I die and someone strings me up on a telephone pole. That's one good thing about pants, at least."

"Aren't you gonna fight?" Pervsuke asked Teddie.

"Heck no! I'm more of a moral support kinda guy."

"I don't believe you," I sighed, proceeding to smack him in in the gut (or where I perceived it to be) with the golf club. He fell helplessly to the floor, flailing about like my old pet goldfish did when I was five and thought that I could pet him.

"N-nooooo!" Wailed Teddie. Pervsuke snorted.

"This thing is a joke. We swear to help him find the culprit, and he's totally useless."

"He's not the only one," I mused aloud. "You're the one who left Chie with the rope."

"Can you shut up about that already?"

"Um, sorry to bug you guys," Teddie had stopped moving, but was still on his back. "But I wanna know something. Who is 'My Beloved', anyway?"

"Someone who Yosuke had an obsession with to the point where he would watch her in the shower and think up baby names for their potential children." I explained.

"S-Soujiko-chan!"

"Ah, I see," grinned Teddie. "Yosuke's a pervert!"

"What?! I'm not a pervert!"

"I don't call you Pervsuke behind your back without a reason," I sighed, completely ignoring the evil glower that he sent in my direction.

"Wait you guys!" Cried the bear, who was still lazing around on the floor. "Don't leave me here! Waaaaaaah!"

We were forced to return to Teddie after realising that we had no clue as to which way we were supposed to be going. After helping him up, he directed us towards an area that looked just like the shopping district.

"Wow, this looks just like the shopping district! Except the sky isn't, y'know, red and black and all trippy."

"This is where the free beer-- I mean, this is where I could smell the girl when she was thrown in here," Teddie informed us.

"Hey, how come you're standing so far away from us?" I asked the bear, who was slowly inching his way towards the store.

"It's my beer! Mine! You're not gonna get your grubby paws on it!" Cried Teddie. "Wait, no... What I'm trying to say is... I don't wanna get in your way!"

"Damn, why did they replicate this part of town and not Junes?" Asked Pervsuke. "I mean, Junes has a cool theme tune, great prices and friendly customer service. The shopping district has that old man who smells like cabbage, and the kid who threatened to knock my head off when I told her I didn't give a damn about her being a twin."

"What's a Joo-nez? Some sort of cocktail bar?"

"As usual, nothing you say makes sense," chided Pervsuke. "Though maybe I should talk to Dad about the cocktail thing..."

"Can we just get on with this please?" I sighed impatiently. "I'm making a wild guess here, but I think that this is the reality of the person who was thrown in this world. If that room was connected with the Yamano woman and this place only appeared when Saki Konishi was thrown in..."

"Oh yeah! My honey-bun's parents own the liquor store here! How could I forget?" Pervsuke gasped, striking his forehead with a palm. "C'mon guys! Follow me!"

"Hey, I thought you were happy with the sidekick role?" I hollered after him.

Pervsuke stopped before a small store with a sign reading the creatively named 'Konishi Liquors' in bold, black lines.

"So, does Saki have any siblings?" I asked.

"Yeah, a brother."

"What's his name? Mirin?"

"Very funny," scowled Pervsuke. "Anyway... Do you think Senpai disappeared in here?" He pointed to the doorway. "What could have happened to my sweetheart?"

"What, you mean that swirling vortex?" I asked, sarcasm oozing from my words. "Of course she did, idiot."

"W-w-wait a second!" Teddie stammered, his eyes becoming larger and spookier looking than before. "T-they're here!"

"What?"

"Shadows! I had a feeling that they were going to attack! They want my beer!"

On cue, a pair of blue masks, not unlike those associated with the theatre, emerged from the red and black wormhole. They instantly fell to the ground, and we could see a strange black slime attached to the back of their 'heads' (the slime reminded me of what Nanako had tried to force down my throat earlier that morning). Like squelchy, sticky goo-monsters, the Shadows became enlarged, claws forming and reaching out to grab Pervsuke.

"No! My mom will kill me if I get this shirt dirty!" He yelped, stumbling backwards and falling on his butt. I noted that this was becoming a regular occurrence, perhaps beating the number of times I had seen him getting his nuts kicked in. The Shadows pursued him like giant slugs, suddenly forcing themselves into the air and transforming into giant pink balls with over-sized mouths and elongated tongues.

"Hey, I had a teacher who looked like that once," I smiled to Teddie. "Oh, hang on. The voices in my head are back again."

_"I art thou... Thou art I!"_

"Oh great, it's you again," I frowned.

_"The time has come! Open thine eyes and call forth what is within!"_

"Speak for yourself, my eyes are open."

_"Your snarky remarks are getting really boring now," _the big, dramatic voice sighed. _"Just take my business card, crush it, and shout Persona."_

"It's blank though..." I said, glancing down to the object that appeared in my hand.

_"Oh, you'll get a long-winded explanation for that later. Just do what I say, or else I'll sing the Junes theme."_

"Fine, fine!" I found myself relenting to the voice once again and stared hard at the object. Teddie was wailing and moaning to himself as a fierce wind picked up behind me, and the card began to glow.

"Per-soh-nah..." I whispered as a blue flame engulfed my hand, and one of the most bad-ass pieces of music I had heard in a long while sounded in the background. "Oooh," I remarked, grinning at the ball of fire within my palm. "This is actually pretty cool. Hey Yosuke, catch!" I clenched my fist to hurl it in his direction, but this only caused more fire, and eventually something popped out of my back as the electric guitarist went mad. The pain was excruciating, and I wondered if it was how my mother felt when she gave birth to me.

The thing to which I had just summoned out of my body was behind me, and I turned around to admire my handiwork. My face fell.

It looked like a giant compass (the ones for drawing circles with) wearing a pink trench coat. Why it had a codpiece, I didn't know, and why there were a giant pair of breasts that looked like they had just been haphazardly shoved on was also beyond me. It carried a giant nail file, which I supposed was slightly menacing, but this was out-balanced by the streams of blonde hair protruding from what I assumed was its head. Even the claws on its hands were painted pink, to match the gaudy-looking coat. Taking the rest of its appearance into consideration, I realised that the compass-like legs were actually a pair of tweezers. Damn, I had birthed one ugly baby.

"Thou art I? Is this supposed to be a joke?" I yelled to no-one in particular. For some reason, I imagined Pinnochigor and Hawk Eye laughing at me from their limousine whilst toasting to my misfortune.

"Hi, I'm like, Izanagi, I like puppies, Twilight, and the Jonas Brothers! From now on, I'll be like, your best friend forever!" The thing giggled in response, which was a really strange thing to hear considering it had a deep, manly voice. "But first, let's get rid of these meanies! Hit it Teddie!"

I hid my face in my hands. Nothing in my life was more mortifying than the fact that I had produced this tweenage monstrosity that looked like an explosion at a beauty salon. Daring to peep between my fingers, I witnessed the two orb-like Shadows approach me. They stopped a few feet away, their tongues slithering in and out of their exaggerated mouths as they laughed silently.

"Okay, listen up!" Teddie's voice sounded from afar. "There are two Shadows here."

"No shit Sherlock," I sighed, deciding to get this over with and picking up the golf club which I had dropped after bearing witness to my Persona.

"Stay calm, and," he hiccuped," listen to me."

"Have you hit the booze already?" I sighed.

"H-hey, I needed a bit of encouragement! Those things are creepy!"

"Agreed. So, do I hit them with the golf club? They're just floating there..."

"Yeah! They're considerate like that, despite being monsters. It's actually pretty nice, I have a Shadow friend called Dave who is a swell guy when he's not ripping women who get thrown inside this world apart...

"Teddie, shut up and tell me what to do!" I sighed, getting impatient. "Do these things have a weakness or something?"

"Excuse me, I'm the talking info guy here!" He cried, taking offense to my question. "But yeah, I can tell these ones are weak to something. Unfortunately for you, I'm not as clever as that gasping girl so you'll have to use different spells on 'em to see what works."

"So you're useless."

"Yeah, I guess so," he snivelled. I turned to stare at him, and caught a glimpse of the bear downing a bottle of liquor that had been left outside of the duplicate shop. Where the hell Pervsuke had gotten to, I didn't know (or care, for that matter). "But I can keep a note of weaknesses!"

"You mentioned spells. How do I use them?"

"I dunno. Close your eyes? Wave your stick around? Strip naked, stand on one foot and caw like a crow?"

Thankfully, I only followed one set of his drunken instructions- the most sensible of the three. As I closed my eyes, a list of words and symbols popped inside my head.

"What's SP?" I asked. "Is it like MP?"

"MP?" Teddie coughed. "The heck is that?"

"Magic Points. To cast spells with."

"Hrm..."

As he pondered this, I stared over at the Shadows. One had fallen asleep with boredom, the other was building itself a house out of Teddie's discarded bottles of sake. It was time to get this over with.

"Come out, Izanagi!" I cringed as the words left my mouth, the pink abomination appearing behind me and casting the spell which I assumed to be a lightning-based one. My guess was correct as the slumbering Shadow was zapped to smithereens. I felt a little bad killing the other one, but Izanagi wouldn't disappear until it too was reduced to a pile of ash on the ground.

"Wow, congrats!" Teddie yelled, rushing up to me. "You beat 'em all! And look, you levelled up! Feel free to come up with a victory cry too."

"Um, no thanks," I shook my head, scouting for Pervsuke. "Is Yosuke having a pee, or has he just gone AWOL?"

"Hello?" A deep, valley-girl voice asked. "Aren't you gonna, like, thank me?"

"No." I replied to Izanagi. "Just get back inside before someone else sees you."

"Okie dokie artichokie!" Izanagi winked, his/her/its body shattering into a thousand fragments.

"Woah, the heck was that?" Pervsuke ran up to me, eyes wide with excitement. "I swore I saw something pink come out of you when the ball things attacked - I was so shocked I had to go pee like before, only I was able to actually empty my bladder this time!"

"Good for you."

"Oh yeah, you said 'Persona', didn't you? How did you do that?"

"I opened my mouth, used my vocal chords and..."

"No, no! The whole bad-ass... Summon... Thing..." He frowned. "Hey! You think I could do it too?"

"Summon a pink tweenage transvestite? You can have mine if you want."

"No Sensei! You can't do that!" Teddie wailed.

"Sensei?" Pervsuke and I both said simultaneously. Teddie began to hop merrily from foot to foot before attempting to nuzzle my leg. I planted my heel in his stomach before he could, however.

"Heheh! That's my Sensei! Filled with power!" He spluttered, flailing on the floor a la ten minutes previously. "No wonder the Shadows were scared of you! Oh!" Exclaimed the bear. "Are you the one who can bring people into this world?"

"Well I'm not throwing 'em in, am I?" I replied in annoyance. "But yeah... I guess."

"Oh wow! Wait until Dave hears about this!" Teddie smiled, rocking on his back before (somehow) hauling himself upright. "Don't you think it's cool too, Yosuke?"

"Hold on. How come she's Sensei, and I'm plain old Yosuke?"

"Because you suck," he explained bluntly, "and Sensei kicked butt!"

Pervsuke frowned. "R-right. Let's get back to the investigation. We still haven't gone inside the store."

"You're right!" Gasped Teddie, turning around to stare at his Mecca. "Let's go!"

"Tch, Sensei my ass," I mumbled, feeling all of my self-importance dissipating as we followed the bear inside.

"Wait," Pervsuke paused, hovering within the aperture. "I hear voices."

"Do you see dead people?" I asked.

"No, just voices. Listen."

_"I wish Junes would go under..."_

_"It's all because of that store!"_

_"I'm-- I mean... The gas station attendant is not the final boss of this story!"_

_"I heard Konishi-san's daughter is working for Junes."_

_"Because they were too tight to get other voice actors in, I'm using my Lust voice!"_

_"I feel pretty, oh so pretty!"_

"Stop it..." Pervsuke clutched his head.

_"That poor father, having such a pointy daughter."_

_"So pretty and witty and gay! Uhhh... No... Get bent!"  
_

"Hey, hey Ted!" Pervsuke, who was now acting as if there was nothing wrong, tapped Teddie on the back, who turned around with his mouth clamped around the neck of a beer bottle. "Soujiko-chan said that this was reality for the people who get thrown in here... Did you hear all this when Saki-senpai was...?"

"I already told you, I wasn't watching when she died!" Teddie's voice echoed, as if he were trapped at the bottom of a well (I could only wish).

"By the way, this place is a dump. No wonder everyone prefers Junes," I remarked, staring around at the stacks of barrels and half-empty refridgerators.

"Don't diss my honey's home!" Pervsuke stomped a foot on the floor. "We were gonna run this place together and live happily ever after!"

"Oh geez," I ignored him, my attention ensnared by something else. "Don't listen now, but the voices are back."

_"Saki! Why are you so goddamn pointy? And how many times do I have to tell you: if you put grease on the drainpipe he won't be able to climb up and take pictures of you in the shower!"_

"This is... Senpai's dad!"

"Great to see you're on the ball," I spat in exasperation. "Now shut up, I wanna hear the rest of this."

_"You know what the neighbours say, right? One of them even tried following the boy up the pipe the other night! What is it, does he pay you to let him take the pictures? Or is that why you're working at Junes?"_

"I-I can't believe this... That guy who told me he was helping me up to the window wanted a piece of Saki-senpai too?!" Exclaimed Pervsuke. "Damn... Was this how it really was? Hey, look! There's a whole bunch of photos here!" He suddenly ran over to a random table decorated with random pieces of paper. "W-why is my sweetums posing half-naked in this one? I didn't take that...! Hold on... Here's one with me in it..." He picked up a glossy piece of paper depicting several young adults in Junes uniforms. "Hey... Someone's glued a monkey's head on top of mine!"

"Heheh, sorry," Teddie chuckled between sips of beer from the corner in which he was now wallowing. "I got bored and found some stickers."

_"I... Never had the chance to say it..."_ A familiar, feminine voice reverberated about the dingy liquor store.

"My love!" Pervsuke gasped. "You've come back to me! Where are you my angel?"

_"I always wanted to tell Hana-chan..."_

"Yes? Yes?" The brown haired desperado was clutching his monkey-faced photograph in anticipation. "Tell me what, beautiful? You may say anything, for your dulcet tones are like the whisper of Heaven..."

_"... That he was a real pain in the ass! I hated his guts! He's the most annoying, idiotic, stupid, clingy, pathetic moron I have ever come across! He can't do anything without having to go pee first! I was only nice to him because his dad was the manager! But he took everything the wrong way, proposed to me with a gummy ring, then started going on and on about baby names and weddings and ugh! He's such a dip."_

"P-pain in the ass? But I wouldn't ever make my dearest honey bear take it that way..." Pervsuke's lower lip trembled.

"She was a bear? Darn, and I let her die!" Teddie berated himself by smashing his head against the door of one of the fridges.

_"Who cares about Junes anyway? They have a stupid song, a stupid uniform, and a stupid manager to boot! Because of that store, everyone hates me! They're not supposed to hate me until I marry a millionaire!"_

"It's a lie..." Murmured Pervsuke. "My daddy is the coolest guy _ever._ He's not stupid... Senpai doesn't pose half-nude! She's not like that!"

"Awww," a new voice (I was beginning to lose count of all these voices that we were hearing) jeered. "Boo hoo. Poor little me!" We both turned around to the source of the noise, spying another Pervsuke who was emanating a dark aura and possessed eerie yellow eyes. "Actually, _I'm_ the one who takes it up the ass! After all, I have 'uke' in my name."

"Dude, I already made that joke," I sighed, though this Pervsuke was a million times more badass than the one standing beside me.

"Holy c-crap, how much haff I drunk?" A sotted Teddie staggered over to us. "There'sh two! Two Yoshukes!"

"You sure are good at this counting thing, aren't you Ted?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"W-who are you?" Pervsuke had rushed forward at this point, in order to take a closer look at the doppelganger that had appeared from nowhere. "I don't think like that!"

"Well," the other Pervsuke replied. "I'm certainly not Santa Claus, and I'm not the Tooth Fairy either. Heh, you can keep deluding yourself dumbass, but I know the truth. Screw the shopping district, and Junes too! Even your precious daddy, flower boy. You're sick of everything about living out in the sticks!"

As creepy as he was, this Pervsuke had a sense of humour reminiscent of my own. If I ignored the yellow eyes and the sadistic expression, he was sorta hot, in his own kooky way. I wondered if anyone would notice if I swapped the normal Pervsuke for this new and improved version.

"That's not true! I love my daddy! I love Junes!" Pervsuke was beginning to bawl. "Don't call me flower boy either!"

"You pretend to be happy-go-lucky and carefree because you're scared of being all alone," scoffed the second Pervsuke. "The more the merrier, right? You think girls will like it if you're popular, so you've got a better chance of getting laid you stupid little horndog! Why, you only liked that Saki girl because you knew that she was easier than a one-piece jigsaw puzzle!" He cackled. "You only came snooping in here with Soujiko because you thought that you could seduce _her_! But then that stupid bear showed up, and poor little Yosuke. Denied again. Doomed to be a virgin for the rest of his life!"

"Stop it!" The boy was clutching his head. I wondered if there was any popcorn in this joint.

"Hahahaha! You're so fun to watch! All I'm doing is spouting a load of bullshit, and you're squirming like a worm! By the way, are you free on Wednesday?" He glanced to me.

"Hmmm," I frowned. "I could always pencil you in and let you know closer to the day."

"Cool," the yellow-eyed Pervsuke grinned.

"Hey, I saw her first!"

"Shut up! I'm the badass one here, I call the shots! Now, where was I... Oh yeah... About that bullshit I was spouting... It's not really bullshit, is it? We both know that it's true... I know what you're thinking..." He sneered. "Because guess what? I _am_ you. Like I said, you only came here to get your leg over. What else is there for city kids to do in a shithole like this?"

"I'm not a slut," I pointed out. "That's just a stereotype."

"Sorry, his thoughts, not mine, kinda," Badass Pervsuke shrugged. "A world inside the TV... What a great place to brag to all your friends about!"

"That's not true... Just stop it..." Pansy Pervsuke shook his head. "Stop it!"

"You're just trying to act all cool. If it all went well... Hey, maybe you could become a pimp one day! It's a good thing your first bitch died, because that didn't work out, did it?"

"That's not true! She was the apple of my eye! What are you? Who are you?"

Badass Pervsuke chuckled evilly. "Already told ya. I'm you. I'm your shadow. I know everything about you. When you were three your parents entered you in a beauty pageant and you won. You used to eat dog treats for breakfast and still sleep with a night light."

"No! How can you... You can't be me, you son of a bitch!"

"Idiot, denying it only makes it worse," I interjected.

"We already know you're a sissy, so just stop. You're like a broken record! Now, listen to my Kira impression!" The Shadow threw his head back.

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" Teddie had returned to his corner as Badass Pervsuke began laughing maniacally.

"It's almost identical, huh? Still... At least I got the ninja gig!"

"Believe it!" Chuckled Teddie.

"You're not me..." Whimpered a very distraught Pansy Pervsuke. "You're nothing like me!"

"That's what I thought," smirked Pervsuke's other self, who stopped going off on his own tangent. "I am me now!"

"You make no shense!" Teddie wobbled across the floor, a bottle of beer in each hand. "You've looked like Yoshuke thish whole t-time..."

"I must admit, I'm confused too," I sighed. "Though I have a feeling that the 'You're not me' thing will come back to haunt us. Do we have a recurring line in this story yet, other than Chie asking for steak?"

"Well," Badass Pervsuke sniffed. "I was him, but now I'm not because he's rejecting me."

"Being part of Yosuke must mean that you're used to rejection," I grinned.

"You won't be laughing when I start to glow... Ah, here we ah," he said, as his entire form was engulfed by a vivid white light. The original Pervsuke was his typical manly self, and fainted no sooner had it fainted, revealing a man riding a giant frog-like apparition. Bad-ass Pervsuke was sexy no more, but I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of Junes' prince turning into a frog.

"Woah, they're some big hands..." I muttered, staring at the huge yellow extremities at the ends of the creature's gangly arms. For some reason, he was swaying from side to side.

"All the better to grope you with!" Bad-ass Pervsuke chuckled, his voice even more distorted than it had been before.

"Back off girlfriend!" The portable make-up kit cried as it burst forth from my body. "Oh my gosh, where did you get that scarf from? It's so totally cute!"

"Cute or not, I am a shadow- the true self! I'll crush everything that I can't sleep with- starting with you!" The frog rocked back on its haunches and suddenly shot towards me, knocking both myself and Izanagi off balance.

"Right right, I forgot that I was weak to wind," Izanagi pouted. "Y'know, it makes my hair get all tangled up, then I get knots and..."

"Will you just shut up and kick this thing's ass?"

"Oh, sorry hun," smiled the Persona.

"Wait a shec!" Teddie squelched dizzily up to me. "I forgot to tell ya! You can defend yourshelf too! Hahahahaha! I'm shuch a shilly bear!" Then, he collapsed again.

"Oooh, defend, defend! He just charged up!" Squealed Izanagi, whose deep voice was getting creepier and creepier as time passed.

"Like this?" I shielded my face with my arms.

"Yeah! You might get concussion, but at least you won't fall over!"

"How does that make any logical sense?" I asked, as I was buffeted by a large, amphibious foot. True to Izanagi's word, I stayed upright. "Fine... I see how it is... This thing uses wind, yeah? In that case, it's weak to electricity!"

"Wow Shenshei! You're... Shychick!" Teddie snapped out of his alcohol-induced coma long enough to make a remark.

"Nah, I just play a lot of Pokémon," I explained, as Shadow Pervsuke collapsed onto his belly, crushing another card that appeared in my hand and zapping him with the spell named 'Zio' once again.

"Pain in the ass!" My foe snarled, upon clambering back up to all fours.

"Sorry to disappoint, but I'm not a guy, and I'm certainly not a chick with a dick," I responded coolly, watching as he copied my defensive stance and hid behind his hands. "What's he doing now?"

"Defend, defend, defend!" Shrieked Izanagi.

"Oh, right," I heeded the Persona's instructions, protecting myself with my arms.

"Try this! Wind of Oblivion!" Shadow Pervsuke cackled, using the attack that he had caught me off-guard with at the beginning of the battle.

"This is getting boring now," I sighed to myself. "Time to end this. If he's Pervsuke's other self, then they're bound to have the same Achilles' Heel."

Another card appeared in my hand, ready to be pulverised by my fist. First, I cast another Zio spell, in order to knock the beast over. Then, instead of using another spell, I ran forward and, feeling a surge of power as I lifted the golf club above my head, and dealt the final blow between his legs. Shadow Pervsuke howled in agony.

Critical hit to the nads.


	5. It's Bigger Than Lady Gaga's!

**A/N:** Apologies for the delay in getting this written, some things have cropped up in life which makes it a little harder to write as often as I used to. Please enjoy chapter five~!

* * *

**Chapter 5: It's Bigger Than Lady Gaga's!  
**

"Oh em gee!" Izanagi cried with glee. "I levelled up! I'm almost high-levelled enough to go to a Justin Bieber concert!"

I shuddered as Izanagi disappeared inside me, turning around to see if Pervsuke was still keeping it real on the floor. Teddie seemed to have sobered up too, squelching over to the male without so much as a teeter.

"Ugh... What happened?" Pervsuke was upright now, soon getting to his feet and sighing heavily.

"Oh, nothing much," I shrugged, spying that Badass Pervsuke had not exploded into oblivion as I thought, but was standing behind us like a lemon. There was a bluish aura emanating from him, as if he were on fire. Perhaps it was taking a while for him to melt or something, unlike the witch in that movie that really freaked me out as a child.

"You... You're not me..." Pervsuke snarled, upon following my gaze and glowering at his stoic other self.

"Yosuke, I did not spend the past however long it was beating a giant frog with a golf club just for you to screw it up," I groaned, nudging him sharply in the stomach.

"Yeah Yosuke, that thing _came_ from you. You have to admit it, else Sensei will have to fight again. Then her Persona'll level up, and I really don't like Justin Bieber, even if I dunno who he is," shuddered Teddie.

"Uhhhh..." I frowned, as nothing but silence ensued. "Oh, I know. If you accept it, I'll go on a date with you. How's that sound?" Anything but _Justin Bieber_...

"Hmm..." Pervsuke considered this. "Can I choose which outfit you wear?"

I hit my forehead with a palm, but grunted to indicate that this was okay. It did the trick though, for Pervsuke turned around and addressed his (much cooler) doppelganger.

"I knew that you weren't lying... I was a cute kid, and dog biscuits are pretty nice, especially the red ones... I don't wanna be a pansy... I want to have girls all over me, begging me to..."

"Okay, we get the picture," I rolled my eyes. "Can you hurry it up a little please?"

"Oh. S-sorry. What I mean is... When it gets down to it, I'm you, and you're me."

Badass Pervsuke nodded his head and suddenly disappeared. He was replaced by some sort of disco frog, which was a lot lamer than it sounded because it lacked an afro and came from Pervsuke.

"This is my Persona... Jiraiya..." Pervsuke breathed softly. "Dammit! Would they stop with the Naruto references already?"

"Actually, Jiraiya's a ninja from Japanese folklore. If you read the manual, you'd know."

"What manual?" He blinked.

"Nevermind," came my sigh as I motioned to the exit. "Let's get going. Teddie's eyeing up the sake again."

"Am not!" Protested the bear.

"Hey, do you think Saki-senpai met her other self here, too?" Pervsuke asked, a little quietly. "And uh, that's why she..."

"Probably," I nodded, tugging at his sleeve. "Now c'mon."

"Yeah, Shadows are born from humans. Not like babies, but still," Teddie began. "When the fog clears, they kinda go beserk, and when there's a strong one, the others kinda flock to it. The big mass of Shadows end up killing whatever's around..."

"Just like real life," I frowned. "Ah, now I feel at home."

"Home? But this place isn't for humans..."

"It's a saying, Teddie. Anyway, for the last time..." On this occasion, I didn't take no for an answer. Dragging Pervsuke behind me, I stalked out of the shop.

"Hey, Teddie," Pervsuke said as we headed back towards our starting point. "You were sober when Soujiko-chan said she'd go on a date with me, right?"

"I dunno... It's never happened before..."

"What, you being sober?"

"Yosuke, if you'd stick to the plot for one moment-" Teddie began, but I interrupted him.

"Sorry to burst any bubble of yours that might have formed over the last two minutes, but you do realise that I was only saying it to get your ass out of there?" I quirked my eyebrows skyward- if you could call the spiralling mass above us a sky.

"Awwww man..." Pervsuke whined, and then snapped his fingers, seeming to recover instantly from being knocked backwards. "Oh yeah, don't you think that the places we went to today and yesterday were like the realities of the two victims? But the road to the store wasn't there before, so I'm guessing that Saki-senpai was thrown in after we'd left. So the places only appear when the person's inside the TV..."

"Great work, Dr. Watson, or should I call you Captain Obvious?" Came my sigh as I glanced to Teddie. "And I bet you want us to promise to rescue anyone else who might get thrown in here, right?"

Before the bear had a chance to speak, Pervsuke was at it again.

"Hey, how come I didn't get my own reality when I entered the TV? My other self appeared, but there wasn't like... A creepy room or a store..."

"As the slightly-irritating comedy relief character, you don't get your own dungeon. Besides, everyone knows what goes on in your brain. Yours would just be like... A strip club or a sauna or something equally as weird. Anyway."

"Wait wait wait! I have a question toooooo!" Whined Teddie, jumping up and down on the spot, frantically waving his left arm back and forth. "If Shadows are born from humans, then what was Teddie born from?"

"Probably a drunken one night stand between the game designer and the head of character conception. I really don't know, sorry. Can you let us out now?"

"Fine," he sighed dejectedly. "But you will come back, right?"

"So long as you don't drink all of the alcohol in the liquor store," I nodded, "we'll come back."

"Oh! Really?" His eyes began to sparkle, like something out of a shoujo manga. "But um, you have to come through the same place that you used before. Who knows where you'll end up otherwise!"

"If you've never been out of this world, how do you know?"

"Ohohohoho! That would be telling!" Teddie tapped his nose and skipped over to where the three televisions had appeared before, summoning the objects sans any visible effort.

Something touched my butt again, as I clambered inside the TV. I glowered behind me, Pervsuke avoiding my gaze and whistling to himself with an innocent expression upon his face.

"Hey Yosuke! I wanna turn! Squiiiiiiiiiiish!" Teddie laughed like a madman, pushing both of us by our butts back into the real world. We landed in a heap on the floor, the sound of the Junes theme indicating that we were home, along with the sight of a miserable brunette.

"Ah!" Chie exclaimed from her position on the floor. "You guys came baaaaack! Nooooo!"

"Um, Chie, you have sauce all over your face..." Pervsuke frowned as we got to our feet. "And why 'noooo!'?"

"Because..." She snivelled pathetically. "Because you two suck! I'm totally deleting you from my top eight on FaceSpace! You guys are such morons!" Chie berated us. "You're even bigger morons than King Moron... So I guess that makes you both... King King Morons!

"The rope got cut off, then I heard the announcement about steak, but then the lady said that I could only buy one lot per day, so I got angry, turned green and wrecked the stall...!" The brunette bawled. Then, she sobered. "Don't worry Yosuke, they said I could put all the costs of damage on your tab!"

I watched as Pervsuke had a fit, getting to my feet and helping Chie up. Even her hands were covered in grease...

I wiped my now-stained palms on my jacket, hoping that Dojima would have finally sorted a uniform for me.

"Hey, it's getting late," Pervsuke frowned to me. "Almost time for my 'alone time' in the shower if you get what I mean, hm?" He laughed.

"You're disgusting. Wait. Where did Chie go?"

"Who cares? We've got Personas, and she hasn't, even if yours is a teenage cross-dresser and mine's a frog from Naruto."

"Just because we both have Personas, this doesn't make us best friends, or anything closer than casual acquaintances," I informed him. "I'm only talking to you because I have to."

The harassment didn't have to end there, however. Oh no- no sooner had I left Junes, it started to pour (luckily I had taken my magical Mary Poppins book bag to school with me that day, so my umbrella slipped easily out of the carrier). As I strolled along the floodplains, I espied something pink and boring taking shelter beneath the wooden pavilion.

Yuki-bot.

_Don't make eye contact, Souji,_ I repeated to myself over and over. _Don't make-_

"Hmm?"

I could have sworn that I heard the sound of something mechanical whir into action as she spotted me.

"Soujiko-chan." She said in monotone, slowly lifting an arm and waving at me. _Squeak. Squeak._ "I'm wearing sexy underwear today, just in case I get kidnapped by a grieving delivery man and he throws me inside a television."

"That's nice, Yukiko," I smiled back, "but I'm getting wet. Later."

"Wait. I haven't mentioned the Amagi Inn yet and how my family own it. I'm wearing this kimono because I had to work at the Amagi Inn today rather than receive an education and live my own life."

I made out that I had water in my ears and promptly left, returning to my uncle's house.

There was a wonderful surprise waiting for me when I got back and stripped to my vest and boxer briefs (it always felt weird when I wore female undergarments), not caring that Nanako was watching me like a hawk.

"You lack curves," she commented. "You're not really a girl, you're just pretending to be a girl because you want to steal my dad away from me."

"Yup, you got me kiddo," I rolled my eyes, stepping over my pile of wet clothes and wandering over to the dining table, upon which was a package clearly marked 'Soujiko'. Delving inside I felt the sensation of stiff polyester beneath my fingertips, and knew exactly what it was.

"Finally," I nodded, pulling out the uniform and unfolding it on the table and spying a white tag affixed to the collar.

'_Important Evidence. Property of the Inaba Police Forensics Department. Do not remove.'_

The presence of the three numerals as opposed to the two that were on the collar of my current uniform confirmed it: this belonged to a third year.

"Dad always brings stuff back home from work for me," Nanako nodded earnestly. "You should see my teddy bear."

"... No thanks..." I groaned, stuffing the clothes back inside the bag.

"I'll wash it for you, then it won't have the dead girl's DNA on it," she nodded again, pattering over to me and taking the bag. "And I'll let you borrow one of my colouring pens to scribble out the extra 'I'."

I was suspicious of her sudden amicability, but neglected to mention anything as we sat down to watch television.

"Wow, this guy really is a pervert," I commented as none other than Yuki-bot appeared on screen and was subsequently barraged by a series of inappropriate questions from the male reporter who obviously wanted in her panties.

"I see him hanging outside my school a lot," Nanako nodded. "Dad says that they can't press charges when he's only looking at us."

"Nice," I frowned as the news report ended. "Listen, I have to go upstairs and wait around until midnight- I mean, study."

"I'm surprised I don't have abandonment issues," I heard her angelic little voice sigh as I alighted the stairs.

"Whatever Nanako," I sighed upon reaching my room and throwing my soaked uniform over the back of the couch. There was no way that I was going to wear Saki Konishi's clothes to school, especially as Pervsuke now had a Persona of his own which would make him believe that he and I were best friends.

Eventually the clock dragged its hands upward, my attention having been semi-fixated on the device all evening as I ploughed through the work that my horse-faced teacher had given us.

"Finally!" I cried, all but leaping to my feet as the television began to whirr and the yellow, static-filled image appeared upon the screen. There was a dark silhouette in the centre which appeared familiar.

So familiar, in fact, that I was unable to suppress my will to thump the screen and promptly planted my fist inside the TV (having forgotten that I could now pass in and out of television screens as I pleased).

"Shit!" I yelped as the black and white vortex tried to tear my arm out of its socket and suck me in. Recoiling my hand, I glanced to the electrical device to find that the image had now gone.

"Hmmm... No doubt Pervsuke tried to touch her boobs," I remarked dryly, abandoning the television and rolling out my futon.

That night, I had the most terrifying nightmare. I was trapped within a confined space with two monstrous creatures and a shitload of alcohol stashed behind panels unbreakable glass. One of the monsters went on and on about a contract and tossed me a key which would enable me to visit again. The other one lectured me about something called 'Social Links', which I assumed would be a gimmicky feature of my time in Inaba that would try to make me give a damn about the poky little town's backwards residents.

I was correct, for the first thing that occurred on my way to school was a voice in my head telling me that Yosuke Hanamura and I had established the Magician Social Link. I spent the rest of my time that morning feeling incredibly dirty yet simultaneously amused by the fact that the voice had told me that Pervsuke would now take a mortal blow for me during battle. I would have to abuse that in the near future...

"Oh my God, why hasn't Yukiko commented on my status about steak?" Chie cried during lunchtime. "And she didn't poke me back either!"

"Have you tried calling her?" I yawned, poking at the bento that I'd put together from the random leftovers in the fridge earlier that morning.

"Why doesn't Yukiko comment on my pictures?" The brunette whined to Pervsuke.

"I dunno, because your pictures are all of steak, or you eating steak or making a pouty face whilst eating steak?" He replied, tucking into his lunch which was obviously bought from the Junes canteen. I could imagine his house, every single piece of furniture bearing the Junes logo, his parents wearing aprons and name badges and them calling him down to dinner via an intercom.

I shuddered, wondering why the hell I was thinking about Pervsuke in that way. It was probably something to do with the stupid Social Link.

"I repeat: call her."

"Oh, I'll call the inn!" Chie smiled as if this had just dawned on her, fingers punching in the code that would connect her to Yukiko's phone line.

"Hey," Pervsuke poked me in the arm. "Should we tell her about the other world?"

"Nah," I said bluntly. "I think it'd be too much for her brain to take."

"Yosuke!" Chie screeched. "This is all your fault!"

"Huh?" The fair haired boy and I asked in unison.

"You got me all panicked for nothing!"

I watched Pervsuke's hands instantly shift to his groin, protecting the part of his anatomy which was indeed a magnet for abuse (or at least I assumed; boys of his ilk were never too shy to start grabbing themselves whilst in public).

"I take it that she's okay?" I asked, ignoring Pervsuke.

"Yeah, they just had a really big group make a booking at the inn, which is why she hasn't had a chance to comment on my steak-us."

There was a very awkward silence, even more awkward than the moment when the tween-age Persona had burst forth from the deepest depths of my soul.

"Steak-us?" Pervsuke blinked. "... I dunno whether to hit my head against the desk for that being the worst pun ever, or to congratulate you for trying to be witty."

"The former would be more entertaining," I shrugged, and the male proceeded to do just that as Chie obliviously watched on.

* * *

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, I Yukiko Amagi of the Amagi Inn, am still wearing my sexy underwear!"

"Please tell me that this is not for real..." I groaned into the mouthpiece of my phone, receiving another groan in response. "Yosuke, stop touching yourself!"

"I wasn't- Okay, maybe a little..." Pervsuke's voice crackled back. "But look, she's totally posing for a panty shot!"

"What if I told you that she's been wearing those undies since last night?"

"That's... Kinda gross."

"Oooooh, stop it!" The Yuki-bot in the pink ballgown simpered, pouting at us from behind the screen. "Naughty naughty... Only a handsome prince is supposed to see me _there_..."

"I'm a prince! I'm a prince!" Pervsuke cried desperately.

"Wait... Is that a bulge I can see between her legs?"

"Will you quit ruining my fantasies?" He yelled right into my ear.

"Seriously Yosuke! It's even bigger than Lady Gaga's!"

"When you're finished?" Demanded the pouting princess on the Midnight Channel. "Look, I have boobs! Boobs!" She shrieked, as the camera zoomed in on a pair of hooters which were definitely enhanced by something made from silicone.

"Mmmm... Boobs..."

"Teehee! Now watch me run into the castle! Here I go!"

The view panned to a large, medieval-type structure whose entrance was not a door, but a familiar black and red swirling vortex...

Then Yuki-bot tripped over, 'accidentally' flashing her lace-clad rear end at the camera.

"Yuki-bot, I hereby dub thee Yuki-ho. Arise, Lady Yuki-ho," I muttered under my breath as she picked herself up, pouted some more and then tottered off into the castle. "Wait... That's an oxymoron. Speaking of morons... Yosuke. If you call Chie, I will castrate you."

"Dude!" He shrieked down the line. "That's the third time now!"

"Get your mind out of the gutter and do something helpful for a change. Meet me at Junes tomorrow, and bring something that we can actually use this time."

"Not a rope?"

"Not a rope."

"Okay... Gotcha... See you, Souji-chan."

"It's not a date, by the way."

"Gah! Four times!"

* * *

I was slowly teetering on the edge of my sanity, my eyes twitching as my eardrums were tortured with the unrelenting drone that was the music in Junes. I was unsure where the piece ended and looped back to the beginning, because my brain was slowly transmogrifying into mush...

"Damn, you still dress up like a guy even on weekends."

"Excuse me?" I addressed Pervsuke with one brow raised, though I was grateful for the distraction. "Whatever, what're you carrying under your jacket?"

"Oh, well," he began, tapping the bulge beneath his left arm and looking proud of himself. "I thought that we might need a bit of protection when we're in the TV world."

"If you brought condoms I swear... I swear Yosuke Hanamura, I will tell Chie that you're really a steak pretending to be a teenage guy..."

"N-n-no! I didn't bring anything like that!" He said quickly, waving one hand dismissively. "I brought this instead!"

With a flourish, Pervsuke conjured a garden gnome from the confines of his jacket. How this constituted as a weapon was far beyond my comprehension.

"Haha, you're speechless, right? Wait until you see the other thing!"

His second hand fumbled in the back pockets of his trousers, and then he showed me the second item.

"A gnome... And a toothpick. How... Creative of you."

"Yeah, I had to think carefully about the toothpick because I thought it would be too obvious to bring the katana and the aikuchi stashed away in my dad's closet - the monsters might be expecting conventional weapons. So, which one do you want?"

"Oh geez, let me think. This is such a tough decision..." I groaned, burying my face into my palms. Daring to look up at him between my fingers, I was further pushed to the brink of my patience when I saw that Pervsuke was brandishing them in the air, lashing out against an invisible enemy.

It didn't take long for the mall cops to be alerted of the gnome and toothpick-wielding psychopath in the food court, and one particular milquetoast of a man (they were always the weediest, cowardly ones in places like June) approached us, demanding that Pervsuke hold his hands up because he was under arrest.

"Shit! Soujiko-chan, hide this!" He hissed, shoving the gnome into my grasp.

"Aha! So you have an accomplice!" The cop, whose voice sounded as if it had never dropped during puberty, exclaimed. "That's it! You're both under arrest!"

"N-no! We're just ordinary kids who like clean teeth and pretty lawns! There's nothing dangerous or suspicious about us!"

"Oh really? Maybe you'd like to come with me and tell that to the guys down at the station!"

My heart sank - if they discovered my identity, I would be royally screwed - and not in a good way. At that moment I had a clear image of my uncle yelling at me, wagging his index finger in my face and delivering an infuriated sermon on the dangers of hanging out with imbeciles.

"Oh hey!" Pervsuke exclaimed brightly as the gnome and the toothpick were wrenched from our clutches and we were escorted into the elevators and towards the entrance. "Good thing I didn't go for the katana, yeah?"

"Good thing they're restraining us too," I spat venomously, "because I'd be facing charges of assault on top of possessing a garden gnome."

As predicted, no sooner had I given them my name, my uncle came storming up to me with his coat slung over one shoulder, free hand pointing at me as his face changed from red to purple.

"Chill out, Uncle Dojima," I sighed, once he had stopped yelling at me and turned his attention to some poor sap named Adachi, demanding that he got him a coffee. "Did they not tell you what 'weapons' we were using? A gnome and a toothpick. Hardly tools you'd use to go on a killing spree. Yosuke _was_ going to get proper weapons, but he developed a case of stupid-itis overnight."

"Uh, I'm right here Soujiko-chan."

"Tch," Dojima snorted, "with a murderer on the loose, even a teddy bear's enough to terrify the people of Inaba."

"... That reminds me." I frowned up at him. "The uniform you got me..."

"... Is a third year uniform, I know. But don't change the subject. I'm still not happy with you - and you better not bring this idiot back home. God knows what kind of influence he'd have on Nanako."

I had to snort at this. "Surely you don't think that I'm hanging out with Yosuke because I _like_ him? Puh-lease Uncle Dojima, it's because he and I have these things inside us called Persona, and Yukiko Amagi is currently inside a television and we're going to rescue her because we made a pact with this mysterious bear who enjoys getting drunk and groping our asses. We were going to jump inside and fight creatures called Shadows with the gnome and the toothpick," I explained in monotone, a dead-pan expression upon my face to stress that I wasn't making this shit up.

"... Soujiko-chan!" Pervsuke hissed, elbowing me. "You're not supposed to tell!"

"It's okay, he never pays much attention to anything else but his job," I explained.

"Adachi!" Barked my uncle. The seemingly subservient, and slightly-handsome-in-an-oddball-way detective had returned from the coffee machine, but apparently wasn't moving fast enough. He flinched, spilling piping hot coffee onto the hand clutching the polystyrene cup.

"See?"

"Y-yes, Dojima-san?" He winced in pain, and at the fact that the brown beverage had gotten on the sleeve of his jacket, too.

"Go get me another coffee!"

"But this one's..."

"I want more coffee!"

"Fine," Adachi rolled his eyes as Dojima wandered off, no doubt to light up a cigarette outside. I stared at him momentarily, and he stared back.

"Are you always this much of a doormat?" I asked.

"Nah, I just don't wanna have my ass toasted," he frowned. "Hmm, you must be Soujiko-chan, right? Dojima-san's niece."

"That's me. So, are you going to get another coffee, or are you going to do something to continue the plot along and make yourself out as a bumbling but good-natured ally when you're really in league with the creeper at the gas station?"

"Tell you what, how about I save you eight months' worth of dicking around and say that I'm the killer?"

"That would completely ruin the plot. I wouldn't mind if you sent me a couple of threatening letters throughout the course of the year though."

"Oh, okay then," Adachi smiled.

"Don't worry, Yosuke's been too busy staring at my ass for the past few minutes to realise what we're talking about."

"I don't blame him- you have quite a nice ass. How about you and I go on a date inside the television world sometime and I can show you my inability to keep it in my pants?"

Our 'conversation' was interrupted by a sudden, familiar wail from down the corridor. I shuddered. Why did Chie always appear at the most inconvenient moments?

"Nooooo!" She bawled. "I wasn't going to steal the cows! I was going to eat them!"

It was then that two police officers casually walked by, oblivious to the fact that there were several members of the general public loitering about.

"Have you heard anything new about the Amagi girl?"

"The one from the Amagi Inn who's missing?"

Nothing could have prepared us for the scream which left Chie's throat, almost high pitched enough to shatter every piece of glass within a fifty metre radius - I swore that I heard a car alarm go off. It was as if someone had unleashed a banshee, a very bad soprano and a siren at the same time - my ears were ringing, even after she realised that she had to breathe.

"Yukiko's missing!" She wailed, in between taking large mouthfuls of air.

"No shit," Adachi muttered, slinking past us and presumably going to get Dojima another coffee.

"Hey, Soujiko-chan," Pervsuke prodded me in the ribs. "We should go inside the TV and look for her, else Chie'll tear off my nuts and feed them to a squirrel." I knew that he wasn't joking.

"Y-yeah! If Yukiko's in the TV then that's where we'll have to go! I know a place where you can buy metal crap, seeing as they took your gnome and toothpick."

"How do you know about that?" I asked with a frown.

"Heheh... Yukiko's not the only person I stalk..." She grinned, and I felt the blood in my veins run cold.

"W-well, let's head to this 'place', then. And before we leave, let me say this: I'm choosing what 'metal crap' we use in the TV world. Got it memorised?"


End file.
